Blue In The Face

Discuss The Diner Here!

2005-04-17T13:26:00.000-05:00

We're retooling Blue In The Face to be a forum for discussion of the latest Diner pieces...check back soon for specifics...

Instant Replay

2005-02-15T16:48:00.000-05:00

Are you looking for a politics post? If so, I hate to disappoint you, but not this time. Go read Still Fighting or The DCeiver for political news.

Having said that, I really hate Instant Replay (IR) in sports. Players aren't flawless, so why should we expect the officiating to be? Not to sound like a stodgy old coot, but back in the day, officials were officials, or referees, or umpires, and if they got it wrong, well...they were only human. Bad calls were a part of the game. But it was the game that mattered. Now, it's all about winning. "We deserved that." "We were robbed." Hogwash. Let's look at the four major sports.

(I'm not even going to get into college sports. Suffice it to say that the Big Ten tried it last year, and now the ACC is incorporating this "test" this year. Big mistakes, all around. I'll explain below).

Baseball has no IR. Most would agree that baseball needs no IR, and they would be right. Balls and strikes are called by an umpire, and while no umpire gets every pitch correct, most are consistent in the way they call balls and strikes. It's another part of the game. Outside of calling pitches, it is very rare that a play happens on the field that at least one umpire doesn't get a good look at. Whether it's a tag at a base, or a home run off of a foul pole, almost all plays are witnessed by at least one umpire (and in many cases, more than one). If it is needed, the umpires will convene before announcing a decision, but that's OK too. Baseball is, above anything else, an exercise in human psychology, with no need for electronic instruments.

Basketball has no IR, per se. Officials are allowed to review last second shots, to see if they "got off" in time, but it could be argued that, in some cases, it might be useful more broadly; for example, to verify a foul, whether a three-point shot was made with a foot on the three-point line, etc. But it isn't. The acquiescence to the last second shot makes some sense, because it doesn't stop or hinder the game. But it's a rare thing, so it's a minimal issue, at best. Anything more than that, and you run into the problem we're going to see in the NFL.

Hockey had no IR, except to verify goals. Again, the argument could be made to have IR, to verify icing calls, for example, but it is hardly necessary. Of course, who knows when we'll see hockey on TV again, so this may be a moot point.

And then there was football. Football used to have full instant replay, then it was removed, and now we've got this ridiculous system where coaches can challenge calls twice a half, and if they are "successful" in both challenges, they get a third. If a team challenges a play, and it is not overturned, that team loses a timeout (of which they are given three per half, and they do not carry over). There are two kickers to this, though:

1) Coaches can only challenge "calls," not "non-calls." For example, if the New York Giants are playing the Washington Redskins, and Tiki Barber (the Giants's running back) fumbles the ball, and the referees call it a fumble, the Giants can challenge that call, and the referees will look at the game tape (recorded by the network's cameras) to see if it really was a fumble. However, if, in the same situation, the referees do not call it a fumble, but say that the player was "down," the Redskins cannot challenge the play, saying it was a fumble. I'm not sure why this is, and who it's designed to protect, but if the NFL is going to adopt this system, it's arbitrary and unfair to everyone.

2) When there are two minutes left in the second and fourth quarters, coaches cannot challenge plays. Any and all challenges are called by the NFL replay assistant in the television booth or press box can call for a video review. There is no limit to the number of replay reviews the replay assistant can request. A review called for by the replay assistant is not tied to timeouts for either team. This is done so that a team can't unfairly use the "challenge" rule to preserve time in the last two minutes. My question is this: if there is a replay official, why isn't that person making the decisions for the whole game? If the NFL is so concerned about "fair officiating," why doesn't the replay assistant oversee all sixty minutes of football? Head Coaches who may challenge a play have to rely on players (who will always say they were right, even if they were blatantly wrong) or offensive and defensive coordinators, who would be in a skybox, watching the feed.

In order to overturn a challenge, there must be proof "beyond a reasonable doubt" that the call was wrong. In the above #1 example, if Barber fumbles, and the Giants challenge, the referee must be able to see, on the live feed, that Barber was "down" before he let go of the ball (for example, his knee touching the turf). If there is not "reasonable doubt" that this happened, the call stands. Typically, only 10% of challenges are overturned.

Personally, I am not in favor of any IR. Columnists may argue that, as times change, we need to adapt as well. Some may even point to the forward pass as proof that changes should be embraced. I don't subscribe to that. The advent of the forward pass made the game more exciting, but it was still a human game. Utilizing IR feeds our pursuit of perfection, but who wants that? In the words of John Levesque, of the Seattle Post Intelligencer:

However, just because we have the technological ability to make the game perfect, to guarantee that every play, every call can be scrutinized in super-slow motion and stop action, doesn't mean we should do it.

Football is supposed to be fun. What's the point in creating a flawless game that no one wants to watch?

There isn't one, John. Not one.

Let's Get This Party Started (Again)

2005-02-06T01:25:00.000-05:00

Sure, it's been 39 days since BITF's last post. But don't despair, 'cause we're back!

As A Judeo-Christian who has an aversion to religion, and who is an American as good as or better than any mousse-haired, Bible-touting, apartheid-promoting evangelist on any UHF television station you can name, I must protest.

Where is it written that if you don't like religion you are somehow disqualified from being a legitimate American? What was Mark Twain, a Russian? When did it become un-American to have opinions about the origin and meaning of the universe that come from sources other than the body of dogma of organizations approved by the federal government as certifiably Judeo-Christian? If it is American to believe that God ordered Tribe X to abjure pork, or that he caused Leader Y to be born a virgin, why is it suddenly un-American to doubt that the prime mover of this unimaginably vast universe of quintillions of solar systems would be likely to be obsessed with questions involving dietary and biosexual behavior of a few thousand bipeds inhabiting a small part of a speck of dust orbiting a third-rate star in an obscure spiral arm of one of millions of more or less identical galaxies?

That was written by Hendrik Hertzberg, editor of The New Yorker. Poignant, eh? Here's the thing, though. He wrote that in 1985, as a response to Reagan's Secretary of Education William Bennett's decidedly un-American remarks about those who "really" ran the country (judges, etc.) displaying an "aversion to religion." Here we are 20 years later, and Hertzberg's comments are still applicable, though in a different context.

Religious blowhards like James Dobson and Jerry palely have made it clear to America that if you're not a part of their "family," you don't count. So, for the 35 million plus Americans that aren't Christian, our opinions don't count? We can just be lumped together like yesterday's leftovers?

And folks, settle down. We're not lumping all Christians together in this mindset. The blame falls squarely on the shoulders of people like Dobson, who see their divine interpretation of God's word as America's bible. Dobson has his crusade to "cure" homosexuality in this country. Jerry palely can't stop putting his foot in his mouth about everything, from blaming gays for the 9/11 attacks to convincing Christians that the rest of the world wants to get rid of Christmas. Who was the last Rabbi, Imam or Shinto Priest to speak out in such a way? For a religion of tolerance, Christian leaders sure are giving it a bad rap.

So, here's the deal, Dobson and Falwell, and all the rest. You are entitled to your interpretations of the Bible. You're entitled to put them on your website. You're entitled to share them with those that come to hear you speak. You are not entitled to speak for Christians as a whole. You are not entitled to speak for Americans. If you own a non-profit, such as Dobson's "Focus on the Family," you are not entitled, nor legally allowed, to use that non-profit as a bully pulpit to get your candidate elected. You are not entitled to speak for your religion to advocate, on a national scale, the restricting of my rights, my family's rights, or my neighbor's rights, because of your religious beliefs. You may do so as an American, with your own views, because that is guaranteed by our rights. Our rights, which people like you seem to praise and disregard as you see fit.

One must wonder why Christian zealots have such a hard-on for gay marriage. They want to preserve the "sanctity of marriage," but what are they really trying to accomplish? Will stopping homosexuals from marrying somehow convince them that they shouldn't be gay? Or is it less deep than that - is it simply the only thing they can do against homosexuals, since even Bush wouldn't authorize genetic testing on them? What would happen if a devout lesbian walked into Jerry Falwell's church and asked to join? Would she be cast out? A very un-Christian thing to do. She wouldn't be accepted - it would be tantamount to Dobson's message.

Finally, if you're not queasy yet, we suggest you try reading this, an excerpt from James Dobson's book, Marriage Under Fire. Again, we're not exactly sure how marriage is exactly under fire, even after reading Dobson's piece. One this is for certain, though; the man holds fast to his convictions. Even if they do cut the legs out from millions of Americans.

It's a Holiday for Hanging! OR: "On the occasion of George W. Bush winning the Time Magazine Man of the Year Cover."

2004-12-22T17:23:00.000-05:00

Our beloved Rilo Kiley says it best.

"Any chimp can play human for a day...use his opposable thumbs to iron his uniform and run for office on election day--fancy himself a real decision maker and deploy more troops than salt shakers. But it's a jungle when war is made, and you'll panic and throw your own shit at the enemy. The camera pulls back to reveal your true identity. Look! It's a sheep in wolf's clothing. A smoking gun-holding ape."
--Rilo Kiley, "It's a Hit"

For Cropp's Sake

2004-12-15T15:33:00.000-05:00

Read Me First.

I think I'm going to start using the name "Cropp" as a swear word.

Peep this.

Baseball took something like 14 1/2 years to decide to bring baseball back to DC. Finally, it happened. The Montreal Expos would be here next year. They would play in RFK for three years, and then move into their own stadium in 2008, which was expected to be built in Anacostia, (truly one of the lovelier areas of DC). The agreement was signed by the mayor, and we're off on the road to Morocco...

Not so fast, juggernuts.

The DC city council still had to vote to approve this whole thing, but that seemed a mere formality more than anything.

Enter Linda Cropp, stage right.

The council was deadlocked, 6-6, with Cropp (Chairwoman) considered the swing vote. Cropp didn't want the city to pay for the whole thing. She slips an amendment into the bill saying that they mayor would need to find $140 million of private financing to help defer the costs, completely negating DC's agreement with MLB.

So, Mayor Williams wins the quote of the day, with, "I believe the deal is broken. The dream is now close to dying. . .We're in great jeopardy here, and I think I'm being optimistic."

Heck, they even cancelled the unveiling of the new uniforms today.

So, what happens now? Several things COULD happen...

-Citizens could open their wallets for a fundraiser drive to raise the $140 mil

-Mayor Williams finds a private backer/investor.

-Linda Cropp could SHUT THE CROPP UP AND REMOVE THE PROVISION.

Oh, and they have until the end of the year. If this isn't resolved, the Nationals will play here for a year, and then move on to some other city.

So, councilwoman, is it worth it? All the jobs this team would create, the revitaization of Anacostia (a la the MCI Center), plus the revenues from the team, PLUS the fight to get them here in the first place by having MLB make concessions to the Orioles, and you throw a big ole' croppin' wrench in the works. Was it worth it?

Now, DC will be a part of the biggest debacle in sports history, unless you fix it. Don't be a cropper. Make it happen, and give this city what it needs/wants/deserves.

And He Turned Water Into...A Cosmo?

2004-12-10T09:41:00.000-05:00

First, read this:

Click Me!

I'll wait.

Done yet?

Good. So, what I want to know is, does this set a precedent? Can I sue the Pope for imposing his crazy radical views of "hell" on me, a nice Jew boy who was taught that there's no such thing as hell? Can I sue the Supreme Court for forcing me to say "one nation, under god" when I was growing up?

I mean, what more do Christians want? They got their President. They got smoking removed from all indoor establishments in New York, San Francisco, and Montgomery County, MD. Hell, they are the only religion to have a holiday that closes the Federal government.

In regards to Green's comment about "Jesus Christ is being portrayed here as a foul-mouthed, drunken, promiscuous homosexual;" I thought Dudley Moore died two years ago. So who's playing Jesus? Maybe Father Ted?

The Blue In the Face Daily Briefing: Holy shit, now THAT'S gonna move a LOT of Entertainment Weeklies.

2004-12-09T19:12:00.000-05:00

"The concerns expressed are being addressed, and that is, we expect our troops to have the best possible equipment. And if I were a soldier overseas, wanting to defend my country, I'd want to ask the secretary of defense the same question," Bush said, as a part of his administration’s new effort to assuage the fears and satisfy the complaints of our fighting men stuck overseas in the ever-disintegrating disaster that is Iraq. “However,” Bush added, “I am not a soldier overseas. I’ve never been a soldier overseas. Hell, I took great pains to keep my soldiering, overseas and otherwise, to a minimum. I pussed out of my commitments then, and I’ll puss out on my commitments to you all soon enough. Ownership society, assholes. As in, it’s your problem.”
Sorry, United States. You suck distended monkey balls compared to Canada. With gay marriage, good pot, health care, snow, and football that makes our version of football look like football for pussies, Canada’s so freaking cool right now that the RCMP should charge a cover at the border. Added bonus: terrorists aren’t mad at the Canucks.
The NHL and the Players Union reportedly met for four hours on Thursday. Now, what exactly is the “NHL” again?
Are you ready for this? John W. Snow is going to stay in the Cabinet! John W. Snow is going to stay in the Cabinet! President Bush, you sly tease, you! Way to keep us guessing right up to the very end! Sadly, it looks like Norm Mineta’s going to resign, which means Bush’s Cabinet will nonetheless look (and probably sound like) a post-crash Lynyrd Skynyrd.
Minnesotan David Bernlohr has invented the “Northwoods Diet.” What makes it distinct from diets such as the South Beach diet or the Atkins diet? It’s not geared toward trendspotting jackasses.
Despite civil unrest, threats of secession, and an uncertain future, we salute Ukrainians for resolutely continuing to get laid.
Ummmm. Wow.

Blue in the Face is also a proud member of the Ball Peen Hammer-Wielding Community

2004-12-09T18:31:00.000-05:00

A commenter, WhiskeyPoet, says: "There is seldom enough mention of ball peen hammers as useful instruments to facilitate 'getting the point across.'"

A wry and wise observation, and one that should be heeded. We at Blue in the Face are huge proponents of ball peen hammers as a force for social change.

"Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens wielding ball peen hammers can change the world; indeed, it's the only thing that ever has."

The Blue in the Face Daily Briefing: Taking Norway to Prom

2004-12-07T16:46:00.000-05:00

Bush wants to boost troop morale for an extended stay in Iraq. Yeah. Well, Blue In The Face wants to boost troop's desire to come home by reminding them of how hot-tastic Scarlett Johanssen is. Top that, President Beeeee-atch!
Passage of the Intelligence bill by the The House of Representatives is imminent. After which, don't look for the words "intelligence" and "House of Representatives" to appear in too many sentences together for at least another 16 years.
Russian President Vladimir Putin says he "cannot imagine" how elections will take place in Iraq amid all the violence. We thought Putin was a cagey man! Here's how it will work. People will vote on Election Day as best they can. In some areas, it will be too violent to vote. In others, things will be fine. In some areas, people will be angry because of voting problems, but there won't be any reporters there to carry their story to anyone who gives a damn. At any rate, regardless of whether people voted safely or risked their lives to vote or if they didn't vote at all, at the end of the day, none of the votes will be counted, two numbers will be made up, and whoever has promised George Bush that he'll do everything he's told to do regardless of whether it's good for Iraqis or not will be declared the winner, and the major news organizations--the same ones who tell us each day there's a "multinational force" operating in Iraq when there's no such thing--will tell us that Iraq is sovereign and that their ruler is legitimate, and that the reason everyone's dying isn't because we're trapped in a quagmire Civil War but because that much freedom all at once makes people explode from joy, and that we should just shut the fuck up forever and ever and ever. Then again, maybe Putin's just cueing up some unrest of his own in the Ukraine when he says that, because we really don't think he's as stupid as 90% of America.
Hardee's Monster Burger. At 1,420 calories and 107 grams of fat, think of it as a bunker-busting pre-emptive attack on arterioschlerosis.
The Pennsylvania State Attorney General's office will be suing Trinity Southern University after it sold a bogus MBA degree to a cat. And, if my diploma comes this week, like they said, I will be serving as lead attorney on the case. Also, I'll be designing rocketships.
Kanye West receives 10 Grammy nominations. West has agreed to forfeit any wins should he ever collaborate in any way with Anna Nicole Smith.
HEADLINE OF THE DAY: "US STUDENTS BEHIND FOREIGN PEERS IN MATH": "Psssst. Hey, Luxembourg? Hey? Dude, it's the US, right behind you. Could you pass this note up to Norway? And don't you fucking read it, Bourg-Head!"
Scientists make a phone that turns into a sunflower. Why?!

The 2004 Turnpike Mixes

2004-11-27T01:17:00.000-05:00

Every year around this time we hit the road and go to New Jersey for Thanksgiving. We call it "New Jersey", because my wife rightfully point out that we don't talk about going to "York" or "Hampshire", and that anyone who says they are going to "Jersey" should be assumed to be travelling to England. For that is where Jersey is. It's all right, of course, to say you are going to the Dirty Jerz. Or if you are mobbed up, fuck it, you can say whatever you want.

Now our trip to New Jersey is largely unimportant to the rest of the world. But for one thing--The Music. The soundtrack to the scenery. The Blue In The Face recommended tunes for your iPod or TuneHole or Juke. We're very pleased indeed with the way the mixes turned out this year, so we thought we'd pitch them to you, so you'd know what to do as you comtemplate your next road trip over hill and dale this holiday season. Again, these mixes were tested against tough road trip conditions, including the Fort McHenry Tunnel and the Garden State Parkway. If you think spending 45 minutes traversing that ten miles of Delaware they make you go through may be the end of you, these are the songs to get you through it.

Special thanks to [information leafblower] for teaching me that this thing can be considered "content", and to The Upstate Life for roadtesting three of the songs listed below in similar conditions. Both these bloggers have good taste, people. Go read them.

Disc One
A Sorta Fairytale--Tori Amos
Alive and Amplified--The Mooney Suzuki
Believe--Ozomatli
Big Time in the Jungle--The Old Crow Medicine Show
Bomb Yourself--TV on the Radio
Boom!--The Roots
Bury Me With It--Modest Mouse
C'mon C'mon--The Von Bondies
Cypress Grove--Clutch
Eight Easy Steps--Alanis Morissette
Evil--Interpol
Fascination--The Human League
The First of the Gang To Die--Morrissey
How We Know--The Thermals
It's a Hit--Rilo Kiley
Normal Like You--Everclear
Partycrashers--Radio 4
The Scarlet Tide--Alison Krauss
Sweet Surrender--Sarah McLachlan
Time To Build--Beastie Boys

Disc Two
A Distorted Reality is Now a Necessity to be Free--Elliott Smith
A to B--The Futureheads
Alive With the Glory of Love--Say Anything
The Angels' Share--Ted Leo/Pharmacists
The Dark of the Matinee--Franz Ferdinand
David--Nellie McKay
Dead Kid Town--The Washington Social Club
The District Sleeps Alone Tonight--The Postal Service
Do 4 U--The Gourds
Everybody Come Down--The Delgados
Fellow Travelers--The Mendoza Line
Float On--Modest Mouse
Futures--Jimmy Eat World
Golden Touch--Razorlight
Happy--Wrens
I Love You Cause I Have To--Dogs Die in Hot Cars
If It Wasn't for You--Handsome Boy Modeling School
Jacqueline--Franz Ferdinand
Leaving NY--REM*
Let's Get Retarded--Black Eyed Peas

Disc Three
I'm Not Okay (I Promise)--My Chemical Romance
Indie Rock and Roll--The Killers
Man of Conviction--The Get Up Kids
Mr. Brightside--The Killers
My Two Front Teeth, parts 2 and 3--Travis Morrison
Not The End--Karmella's Game
Now or Never--Full Minute of Mercury
On The Verge--Le Tigre
Primitive--Ambulance Ltd.
Sari--Nellie McKay
School Spirit--Kanye West
She Sends Kisses--Wrens
Somehow--Air**
Somewhere Only We Know--Keane
Such Great Heights--The Postal Service
Viscosity--Juniper Lane***
Wake Up--The Arcade Fire
Warm Sound--Zero 7

Disc Fourteen
[Untitled (track 4)]--Sigur Ros
American Girls--Counting Crows
American English--Idlewild
Anything You Want--Spoon
Bowtie--Outkast
Caring is Creepy--The Shins
Dammit--Blink 182
Comfort Eagle--Cake
Finally--Last Train Home
Just the Best Party (from Live at Northsix)--The World/Inferno Friendship Society
Love Me, Just Leave Me Alone--Jewel
The Middle--Jimmy Eat World
My Name is Jorge--The Gourds
Oh!--Sleater Kinney
PDA--Interpol
Perfect 10--The Beautiful South
Burning Photographs--Ryan Adams
Still Fighting It--Ben Folds
This Little Light--Neko Case with the Sadies
Vertigo--U2

*The best Last Train Home song never written or recorded by Last Train Home.
**But not the French band Air who score all those Sofia Coppola movies. Rather, a Japanese band called Air. You can either buy their record here, or find this song on the Knitting Factory's "Knitting New Essentials: Sampler Vol. 1.0", which is something you already own if you've ever opened a coffeehouse or have a consignment shop in Soho. If not, go to www.knittingfactory.com.
***If you can't find a way to like this band, I don't know what's to be done with you, frankly.

Artested Development

2004-11-22T09:31:00.000-05:00

Oh, Ron Artest. Where would we be without your hijinks?

Unless you've been living under a rock all weekend (or you're like me, and think that the NBA is far from FAAANNNNTASTIC), you've heard about last Friday night's fracas between the Indiana Pacers and the Detroit Pistons.

Or should that read "between the Indiana Pacers, the Detroit Pistons, and the fans?"

You see, while watching ESPNews on Friday night, I witnessed an incredibly disgusting sight. Not since I watched "The Day After Tomorrow" have I been so nauseated by something on my television. This requires a little backstory, though...

So, Ron Artest is a forward for the Indiana Pacers. He's a good player (he went in the top 40 of my fantasy draft.) Two weeks ago, Artest asked his team for time off to "heal his aching body and recover from a hectic schedule." The reason for this hectic schedule? His busy schedule promoting a soon-to-be released rap album.

As a result of this stupidity, Artest was benched for two games. Two games go by, Artest is back playing, and life goes on. Until last Friday night.

When it all went down, there were 45 seconds left in the game, and the Pacers were winning by 15 (which means, in NBA terms, the game is "over"). Ben Wallace (of the Pistons) is driving for a layup, and he is fouled by Ron Artest. Wallace is upset, and rightfully so. This is a stupid, meaningless foul. Wallace lets his ire get the better of him, and he shoves Artest. To his credit, Artest walks away from Wallace, and lays down on the sideline table.

Artest's teammates are not so forgiving, and they get all up in the collective grills of the Pistons. But it still appears to be contained. Until a fan throws a drink at Artest.

A simple plastic cup, like the kind you get at McDonalds (or Subway, for you health nuts) lands on Artest's chest. Artest leaps up and jumps into the stands. He goes about six rows back, and starts wailing on a fan. As other fans come to pull him off, and teammates come up to help, another drink is thrown at Artest. This causes Stephen Jackson (Artest's teammate) to strike a second fan.

This is soon broken up.

Back down on the court, fans who came onto the court were punched in the face by Artest and Jermaine O'Neal (Artest's teammate). No physical provocation there.

All in all, from the foul to the escort of players to the locker rooms, six minutes went by.

Sunday, the commissioner of the NBA, Mr. David Stern (insert your own authority joke here) handed down his decision.

Artest - gone for the season (72 games). Salary lost, $4.995 million
Jackson - 30 game suspension. Salary lost, $1.7 million
O'Neal - 25 game suspension. Salary lost, $4.111 million.

Now, I would like to make something very clear. When you go to a NASCAR race, for example, you know that there's a chance that a car could flip and land in the stands. It would be a tragedy, but you know it's possible. At a basketball game, you should never, ever be concerned about your safety, as a fan. (Actually, to a game of any of the major four sports. Don't even get me started on K-Rod chucking a folding chair into the stands at a fan who was yelling at him).

Don't misunderstand me. When you're life is threatened, all bets are off. For example, on Thursday, September 19, 2002, two fans ran onto the field of a baseball game (that was in progress) and attacked the first-base coach for the Kansas City Royals, Tom Gamboa. When Gamboa's teammates realized what was happening, they pulled the two drunken idiots off of Gamboa, and took swings at them, until security got there. These fans were clearly a threat, as they blindsided Gamboa and started punching him. No one can fault his teammates for the actions they took.

Artest is a different story. If Artest felt assaulted by having a drink thrown at him, he should have asked a security guard to have the guy thrown out. The guy was six rows up in the stands, and clearly not in a position to do much of anything. Short of a fan taking a swing at you, or coming at you with a weapon, there is NO excuse for this behavior. The fan was drunk. I don't excuse that, and I don't condone it. But we don't live in a country with martial law. We have security at the arena for a reason - let them do their jobs.

Artest's suspension is the longest in NBA history. It's also not enough. I wouldn't have been happy with anything less than a lifetime ban. At least now he has time to rest his body and promote his rap album.

Asshole.

Yee-Haw!

2004-11-17T11:39:00.000-05:00

I can't speak for my colleagues here at BITF, but I am all for Howard Dean becoming the next chair of the DNC. Today, I give you part 1 of our multi-volume series on Howard Dean. Today's topic? Education.

Here is a link to read about Howard Dean's views on reforming education. Clearly, the travesty of No Child Left Behind will forever dog former Secretary Rod Paige. And his replacement, Margaret Spelling, hasn't held an education position for over 10 years. Yay!

The central argument against Dean's education policies is the cost. Putting aside the tired business cliche of "you have to spend money to make money," let's look at WHY money needs to be spent.

Let's start with Charter Schools. A study by Harvard University gives a clear view of the proficiency numbers of students in charter schools versus public schools (as opposed to a right-wing story in the Washington Times, a noted Republican newspaper). Unlike the inflated numbers in the Times article, the actual study showed that, compared to students in the *next closest school* (where they would most likely be enrolled) charter school students are 4-5% more likely to be proficient in reading and 2-3% more likely to be proficient in math.

And why is this surprising? Charter schools, in addition to receiving federal funding, charge students to attend. As a result, teachers at charter schools are paid more. The most recent data that the U.S. Department of Education has comes from here. To wit:

"The average starting salary for teachers with no experience in public charter schools that used a salary schedule was $26,977, compared with $25,888 for public school districts."

So, a good teacher can (and probably will) make more money at a Charter School. More teachers apply for these jobs each year. Therefore, it's reasonable to assume that the higher quality teachers are being pulled into Charter Schools, leaving the public schools in worse shape for the students who either a) can't afford to go, or b) can't get in b/c of class cap size.

Now, a program I have intimate knowledge of is the Voluntary Public School Choice program. Both of these developments, Charter Schools and VPSC, are not the solution. They are, instead, helping to fuel the bigger problems, such as WHY ARE THEY NECESSARY IN THE FIRST PLACE?

Why are Charter Schools outperforming Public Schools? In areas that are more rural, schools dont have the same resources as schools in more urban areas. And Im not just talking about teachers, or computers. Students in more rural areas have less access to libraries, museums, theatre, etc. It becomes even more imperative for these students to receive better funding.

Even receiving Federal funding is harder. A smaller, rural district is not necessarily going to be hiring a grantwriter to get Federal funds, b/c theres no money there to do it! And, having worked extensively on the federal funding side of the process, how you write is just as important as what you write.

So, the solution DOES have to do with money. Money more evenly distributed by the states to all areas. An increase in *regulated* funding would help, and eliminate the need for elitist charter schools.

Now, let's look at Dean's points, as outlined in the link from up top.

* Equalize education funding so that every child has the same amount of funding no matter if they are in an inner city, suburban or a rural school. Many courts throughout the country have already called for this, and in Vermont we did it.*

I think we just covered that.

* Allow more parental input and responsibility. Parents should be able to choose among public schools in their area by lottery. Magnet schools and public charter schools should be encouraged only with real supervision. Home schooled children should be welcomed into public schools for activities unavailable to them at homeafter all, their parents pay taxes to support public education. And, parents ought to be allowed to request teachers.*

I think this speaks for itself. I agree with all of it, with the exception of requesting teachers. In second grade, for example, a teacher can tell if a student is more audio-receptive, visually-receptive, or both, and can have that information passed along to the next grades, so students can be placed with teachers who will be geared towards their style of learning.

* Teachers ought to be paid a lot more and they ought to be rewarded for acquiring additional expertise. This is already happening in some states; let's make it happen in every state.*

Can you even argue this? I defy you to find a profession on the planet more important than a teacher. Yet, when I was a manager of a Borders Bookstore, I was making more than an entry level high school teacher. Can you explain why that is, and how its acceptable?

*Good school climate is everything, which means leadership matters. The burnout rate for principals is enormous. They are expected to be at meetings five nights a week, leaving no time for their own families. Many are promoted from within the ranks of the best teachers, and discover they miss student interaction in the classroom. There should be limits on extracurricular hours, and where its necessary, principals need an administrator to deal with paperwork, so the principal can deal with kids and parents.*

Again, can you fault this? Vice-Principals cannot be expected to take up all of the slack, particularity in the larger schools. And with Special Education funding being cut, and states removing the program completely from certain counties, the schools' administrations now have even more to focus on.

* Additional education opportunities should be available. Vocational education should include adults who are retraining. Community college courses ought to be available in high schools for students who want an academic and financial leg up.*

This would be nice, but it's much more of a "let's try and solve everything else, and then we'll tackle this' thing.

* We ought to recognize that many of the problems in public education have little to do with what goes on in schools. If you want to help fix public education, invest in children and their families at a young age. We need to invest in children from birth to three years old. Preschools should be available to every child. We did it in Vermont, and our child abuse rate dropped by 43% for kids under six.*

This is also true, and is also an argument against the proficiency of charter schools. Any student going to a charter school will automatically have parents interested in their education. Sadly, that's not always the case in public schools. Parents are quick to blame teachers when they, in fact, have failed in their responsibility to their children. So, it's easy to conclude that part of the difference in proficiency can be attributed to lack of effort by parents.

The Blue in the Face Daily Briefing: Lost for Words

2004-11-16T20:48:00.000-05:00

Well, not even a year after the NFL swore up and down that they didn’t plan or expect Janet Jackson’s bare breast to be seen by their audience, pinning the blame every which way and plunging America into the shallow pool of moral darkness, the poor, poor National Football League has been shamed again, this time by a Monday Night Football tease that involved a naked Nicolette Sheridan and Philadelphia receiver Terrell Owens. Take that, heartland values! (And what’s with the vaguely interracial kink we see underlying football culture? That’s freaking hott!)
British officials are afraid that the director of CARE, Margaret Hassan, has been killed in Iraq. At this point, isn’t safe to fear that everyone in Iraq has been killed?
John Humphrys, author of Lost For Words, says it’s “deeply depressing” the way George W. Bush and Tony Blair are mangling the English language. We at Blue In The Face ar a bit more aggrieved at the way Bush and Blair are grinding up Iraqi children into charnel, but I guess it’s cool because, you know, eventually, they come for the, um…words, too.
Beavers in Louisana have used stolen money they found to build their dam. Only some of the money was used, of course. The remainder helped finance an attack ad accusing area deer of being “out of the mainstream.” Of course, the only reason they were out of the mainstream was because the beavers had built a fucking dam in the mainstream, but what are you gonna do? Kill all the beavers?
Oh, God, no. No. No. No no no no. For fuck’s sake, no.
Ex-Van Halen frontman David Lee Roth is close to completing the necessary training to become a full-blown New York City paramedic. New York City, meanwhile, is doing everything they can to never get hurt again ever.
Another Hip-Hop awards party, another stabbing. How long before awards-show folderols become an award show category?

The Blue in the Face Daily Briefing: Pops to the Dome

2004-11-15T21:40:00.000-05:00

Colin Powell wasn't man enough to stand for anything while he was Secretary of State, but at least he won't be around anymore to serve as the neoconservative de facto sucker anymore. The office is now going to be held by Condoleeza Rice--a great relief to all of us who realized that the NSA was no place for a sniveling, stupid-ass twat. Of course, neither is State. And, come to think of it, Bush'll just put some other sniveling, stupid-ass twat at NSA while Rice goes right along coddling dictators like Islom Karimov and continuing the policies that have led to droves of fresh al Qaeda reinforcements. Yeah. We try to be funny. But you can't laugh about this shit, can you?
Rules of engagement, schmules of...um, engagement. A U.S. Marine shoots and kills an unarmed and wounded Iraqi prisoner in an incident that will likely have noooooo repercussions in the Islamic world. Heck, the Marine only shot the guy because he wasn't sufficiently free enough yet, you know? He was clinging to tyranny by a thread, and those projectiles of enduring liberty did the trick!
My brother-in-law works for Nabisco, and has kept us comfortably in Altoid products for the past two years. Well, that curiously strong hayride is over. Wrigley buys Life Savers and Altoids from Kraft/Nabisco.
Tom Hanks' The Polar Express has set a record for Imax release, but finishes second to The Incredibles at the box office. Nevertheless, we are confident that The Polar Express will set at least one other holiday record: number of nightmares from creeped out kids terrified of the cold, dead eyes of Santa Claus and the clammy, rubber skin of his North Pole compadres.
Barry Bonds wins the NL MVP. And he did it all by himself. Sure he did.
More Tom Hanks-related news. He's now attached to the film version of Dan Brown's The DaVinci Code. So, there's no hope of stopping that fucking thing either.
We'd normally make rueful fun of Anna Nicole Smith getting shitfaced out of all proportion at the American Music Awards and slurping her way through her introduction as if she'd just been whacked upside the head with a sledgehammer, but have you looked at the fucking state of the world lately? If you aren't in a big, fat, chemically-altered stupor, how are you still alive and without shame?

The Lighter Side of the News

2004-11-11T13:08:00.000-05:00

With all this talk of Fallujah, the Election and Constitutional Amendments, it's nice to know that there's some REAL news going on out there.

1. Liza Minnelli's bodyguard, a Mr. M'Hammed Soumayah, is suing her for $100 million dollars, alleging that she forced him to have sex with her to keep his job. And you thought your job was tough!

2. Jeff Bezos, founder and CEO of Amazon.com, wants to colonize space. The question now is, how much will it cost you to buy and ship that new Dave Matthews Band CD to Mars?

3. You may remember Miss Beazley from the book, "The Enormous Egg," written by Oliver Butterworth. Butterworth, a staunch Democrat, wrote the book as an allegory to McCarthyism. Keeping that fine tradition alive, First Lady Laura Bush and her litter of daughters named a new baby Scottish Terrier pup after Miss Beazley. We don't even have a joke here.

4. Let's say you get paid millions of dollars a year to do your job. You love what you do. You're very good at it - in fact, you were handpicked to do this job. Now, imagine calling your boss to say, "You know, I've been recording a rap album over the last few days, and I'm really wiped out. Can I have a few days off?" Who would you be? Why, you would be Ron Artest, forward for the NBA's Indiana Pacers.

5. Yes, you too can get a Fantasy Job with the Washington Redskins! We hear that they're looking for safeties.

6. Finally, it's never too soon to learn about sex. The school board of Montgomery County, Maryland voted unanimously on Tuesday to broaden Sex-Ed classes for Sophmores to include videos on condoms and homosexuality & bisexuality. Although students must have a parent sign a permission slip to attend Sex-Ed classes, we wonder how Ma and Pa will feel when Goofus announces that he's going to the prom with Gallant.

Scary

2004-11-10T16:49:00.000-05:00

Courtesy of The Wolf

"As democracy is perfected, the office of president represents, more and more closely, the inner soul of the people. On some great and glorious day the plain folks of the land will reach their heart's desire at last and the White House will be adorned by a downright moron."

- H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

The Blue In the Face Daily Briefing: Iraq is the new Bonfire of the Vanities.

2004-11-10T15:25:00.000-05:00

President Bush will be appointing Abu Ghraib mastermind and civil rights-hater Alberto Gonzales to the post of Attorney General, replacing the outgoing John Ashcroft. And they say that nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!
US Forces now control seventy percent of Fallujah, just like our Founding Fathers would have wanted! What you aren't being told: 1. The insurgency has all but moved on from Fallujah and 2. the Iraqi forces that are supposed to be supporting our efforts are still deserting in droves. But there is a bright side: none of it is John Kerry's fault.
Palestinian Officials report that Yasser Arafat is now in the "final stage of his life." Israelis counter by stating, "Ariel Sharon hasn't even begun being the enormous douchebag he could be."
In Red Bank, Tennessee, Tasty Flavors Sno Biz owner Paul Eugene Levengood is facing criminal charges after punishing two of his workers with--and I am not making this up--spankings. Just to note, if anyone I worked for ever tried that kind of shit, they'd be eating six months of dinners through a fucking straw.
For the second straight day, a juror has been sent packing from the Laci Peterson trial, which seems to be hanging as prominently as John Dough's schlong. We predict: Scott walks.
Newt Gingrich says it was a mistake "not giving Iraq back to the Iraqis a year earlier" on the Today show today. Mr. Gingrich, please report to the Kool-Aid stand, immediately.
Tom Wolfe has a new book out! Thank God. We could all use a palette cleanser right about now.

I Want Out!

2004-11-10T13:24:00.000-05:00

Whenever life get you down, Mrs. Brown
And things seem hard or tough
And people are stupid, obnoxious or daft
And you feel that you've had quite enu-hu-hu-huuuuff...

Marry a Canadian!

Dark Cloud Over America: Day 9 (the faint silver lining)

2004-11-10T13:19:00.000-05:00

The rats are leaving the ship! Is the ship that is federal American government half full or half empty with water to herald the retreat? Asscroft handed in a multi-page letter of resignation to the Shrub and is headed for the hills. Clearly dillusional, he actually had the temerity to say "The objective of securing the safety of Americans from crime and terror has been achieved." Too many bare breasted statues in Washington for his weak little heart to take, more likely. Others are following suit. We will see who we get stuck with next.

Then we see this cartoon... Can we say Pat Oliphant rocks? We agree with his take on the situation completely. Here's the thing: Our current system of government, albeit tilted a direction that we don't like at present, is one that was literally hundreds of years in the making. Take some ancient Greece and Roman Empire, a hearty cup full of Magna Carta, add a healthy pinch of Enlightenment thinkers, maybe sprinkle a little Martin Luther in there and slide that concoction into a Dutch oven circa 1600's to early 1700's and let it cook up to 1776. Glaze with a U.S. Constitution and garnish with some Jefferson, Franklin and Washington and you have yourself a phat democracy! Best enjoyed with some John Quincy Adams on the side.

To extend this metaphor train obnoxiously further... If you have ever made bread, you know it takes time and patients. Lots of effort, too. That is democracy for you. America seems to be trying to pawn off a cheap, Wonderbread version on Iraq and Afghanistan. The world knows we have ourselves some delicious Tuscan whole wheat over here, so why would anyone settle for Wonderbread?

We fear the loaf of U.S. democracy either has mold or is growing stale.

More to the point, a democracy is learned and earned, not bestowed. We have a system of government that commands appreciation because of the well documented history of blood, sweat and tears that went into creating it. It is that context and history that only (most) Americans and like established democracies can appreciate. The world of Islam has no comparable history and little impetus to try to get their communal psyche geared to that perspective. (Though they do have plenty of blood spilled, you have to admit. Thank you Crusades!) All that and we are blowing up everything of theirs in the name of democracy and security.

True story time: A group of Spanish conquistadors approached a peaceful tribe of pueblo Indians and the conquistador leader, in his native tongue, decreed to the Indians standing before him that they had about a minute to convert to Christianity or they would all be put to the sword in the name of God and whichever Spanish Monarch was reigning at the time. There was no effort to translate or learn about the people they were addressing. Just the decree. The conquistadors slaughtered the entire community. Substitute Christianity for democracy and modify the rhetoric and this appears quite familiar, doesn't it?

Who would have thought Iraq and the old American west would have so much in common?

Dark Cloud Over America: Day 8 (not as dark)

2004-11-09T13:35:00.000-05:00

Thank goodness for Judge James Robertson of United States District Court in Washington. He and Neal K. Katyal, a Georgetown Law School professor who is one of the Guantanimo detainee's lawyers, are two of only a few people standing in the way of a slippery slope of tyranny that our oblivious President is (hopefully) unconsciously creating. One of the reasons that the ever growing Islamic insurgency hates America is that we pay lip service to justice.

America is a country of laws in name only when you consider how the detainees in Guantanimo have been treated and how long they have been held without due process. From the article linked above, Mark Corallo, a Justice Department spokesman, said "By conferring protected legal status under the Geneva Conventions on members of Al Qaeda, the judge has put terrorism on the same legal footing as legitimate methods of waging war."

Guess whom Corallo voted for. It is this partisan rhetoric that has seeped into every level of this morally corrupt government keeping the American people from seeing the facts (not that 59,054,087 people really care) as they are. If we are to "win" the war on terror, we need to apply our laws fairly and equally to those detained. Talk of legitimizing terrorism is just evasive invective for this silver spoon President's administration to keep getting their way. If America is to be damned by the Islamic world, let it be damned for who we are really, as opposed to who the Bushies would like us to become.

Skipping steps and due process is just the first step. Then we get "the government has asserted a position starkly different from the positions and behavior of the United States in previous conflicts, one that can only weaken the United States' own ability to demand application of the Geneva applications to Americans captured during armed conflicts abroad." And the administration claims it is the strongest in supporting our troops and doing what is best for them? It is one thing to be captured by extremists, tortured and/or killed knowing full well that they are doing something egregiously wrong. It is something quite different to know that if you are an American soldier captured that you basically have "open season" sign on your back. Way to go.

So, thank you Judge Robertson for holding up this country's system of checks and balances when our President can't seem to stop the country from stepping in a bear trap of hypocrisy.

In other news... The Dutch are getting intolerant! Darwin is taking his toll on underage college drinkers. Spanish voters proved they are just average (seemingly stupid) folks just like the rest of the electorate. Bible thumpers find yet another way to show how they will never stop living in their own little world. Our two bits on this one is that if they want to put a sticker on biology books stating that evolution was a theory and not a fact, then any religious text is vulnerable to the exact same thing. I volunteer a big red print sticker for the Bible that reads: HISTORICAL FICTION.

Perhaps the Bible thumpers should spend a bit more time teaching their kids how to drink in college so as not to fall prey to the Evolutionist's "theory" themselves, be bombed by the dutch or out-voted by Latinos. Sound good?

The Blue in the Face Daily Briefing: Where did we put our Haldol?

2004-11-09T13:16:00.000-05:00

Yasser Arafat goes critical, coma deepens, only vital organs seem to be functioning. You know, right now, given Arafat's history, the fact he's in a peaceful coma, the fact that he's in France, the fact that his wife is pissed, the fact that a power vaccuum is opening in the Palestinian leadership, the fact that Ariel Sharon is a fucking asswipe, the fact that Bush thought putting Iraq to the blade would free the Middle East and the fact that no one really knows what the world is gonna look like tomorrow makes us realize that we are wading in a deep, wide river of irony and meta-irony and quasi-pseudo-irony from which we may all drink long and deep until our stomach lining bursts. God, what a time to be alive...but what a better time it is to just be in a coma in Paris.
Our military is full of lucky men. Some of your brave US soldiers are fighting for Fallujah. Some of them are dying for Fallujah. Some of them will discover after it's over that the insurgents aren't dead, but have fanned out to Sammara, and Mosul, and Sadr City, and Baghdad. These will be the luckiest soldiers of them all.
The U.S. Supreme Court has ruled that drunk driving is not a crime that merits deportation. Which is too bad for me.
Okay, just so we cover all bases, we're going to go ahead and say that Yasser Arafat is dead at age 75 in Paris, of a brain hemorrhage. He died as he lived, which is to say deliciously. Unless of course, he's still alive.
Robert Corell of the Arctic Climate Impact Assessment warned that global warming is increasing faster than expected, and that ice cap melt could cause the oceans to rise by as much as one meter by 2100. One meter by 2100!? Did this guy not see The Day After Tomorrow? You're gonna have to do better than that! Especially considering the Bush administration's gonna get most of us killed within the decade.
You know, if the religious right is going to claim a moral high ground by killing abortion providers, I say the rest of us scout the same terrain through a concerted effort of beating the shit out of pharmacists like this.
If you were wondering what the press was going to do after sleepwalking through the election, wonder no longer.

The Blue In the Face Daily Briefing: Let the devolution begin!

2004-11-08T16:49:00.000-05:00

George Bush has a very special celebration planned for winning re-election: finally putting Fallujah to the torch once and for all. A massive aerial bombardment is underway and will be followed by urban combat that will not be anything like Vietnam, officials say. The American electorate will get their first chance to see the new Iraqi Army in action against the insurgency, which is probably why we're only seeing them this week as opposed to two weeks ago. Seriously, people, get the fuck out of Fallujah if you want to live. There won't be anything left in a fortnight.
Olympic Swimmer Michael Phelps was busted for driving under the influence this last Thursday night in Salisbury, Maryland. Police report that Phelps was cooperative throughout his arrest, and that even while wasted, "could kick our slack ass in the 100 meter free."
See, right here, Donald Rumsfeld is saying that the strike on Fallujah will not kill large numbers of Iraqi civilians, or, at least "certainly not by U.S. forces." Ha. You see what he's doing there, don't you? As we said before, you Fallujans better get the hell out of there if you want to live.
HBO has announced that they will end the run of Six Feet Under after the next season, the show's fifth. So, for all of you who said there'd be no negative repercussions of California banning necrophilia, the joke's on you.
Think we're kidding about the increased interest in Canadian repatriation? Traffic on their immigration web site has gone up exponentially in the past week. Now, if only we can figure out how to bring emigrants to the Blue in the Face Blog.
In Atlanta today, the trial to determine whether warning stickers on biology textbooks that incorrectly maintain that evolution is a "theory" with no basis in fact constitutes a violation of the separation of church and state opened today. All eyes are fixed on the outcome of the trial, which will determine if resumes emanating from graduates of Atlanta's schools will continue to be read or if they will be used to wipe my ass.
Jones Soda announces five new Thanksgiving related soda flavors, including Turkey and Gravy, and Fruitcake. You'd think that this wouldn't net the company a lot of money for their efforts, but a Jones Soda rep points out the enormous savings they reap on their Green Bean Casserole Soda--which involves simply changing the label on their Root Beer.

DANGER! Hubris?

2004-11-08T13:32:00.000-05:00

"The big danger is one of hubris. There's a tendency after you win your second term to think you're invulnerable. You're not just king of the mountain, you've mastered the mountain. That can often lead to mistakes of excessive pride."DAVID R. GERGEN, former presidential adviser.

Gee! You think so Dave? Wait... How can the Bush presidency act any different than the first four (stumbling) years bloating with strident pride?

To paraphrase David Suzuki, it is like we are all in a giant SUV, speeding towards a brick wall @ terminal velocity and we are still arguing over who gets to ride shotgun. That is how I regard the stupidity of the American electorate. Look who is driving.

Someone please, in a detailed fashion, tell me how I am wrong and assuage my fears. Otherwise, arrange for a four year prescription of Valium.

To a Friend Whose Work Has Come to Nothing

2004-11-04T21:27:00.000-05:00

OK, so, there is...

fucked (the call against the Redskins in the 4th quarter of last Sunday's game);

there is

Fucked (being stuck in downtown DC, and not being able to metro home, because two trains "collided); and

there is

FUCKED (your girlfriend of three years left you, and now you've got to come to some sort of resolution with her about the lease, the dog, and your joint finances).

But election night brought a new sensation, one that can't be described. What happened to Democrats across the country was worse than FUCKED. Hell, it was worse than "grab-your-ankles-and-scream." It was brutal.

*Failed to capture the presidency.
*Failed to reclaim the House.
*Failed to reclaim the Senate.

Someone's head will roll (at least someone), and, as Jason so astutely put it, it'll start with Terry McAuliffe, head of the DNC.

There are many, many reasons you could chart as to why the Democrats did so bad. You could argue Kerry didn't spend enough time on other issues. You could argue he wasn't the best candidate. You could argue that the evangelical and faith-based voters saw nothing in the DNC to excite them. You could even argue that Tom Daschle's (who's name, btw, is misspelled on the DNC's own webpage!) decision to buy a house in DC, thus requiring him to declare himself a DC Resident, lost him his own re-election. You could even argue that the Republicans used their moxie to rezone districts in Texas, helping to ensure incumbent Republicans would take on incumbent Democrats, and win.

The bottom line is that the Dems took a huge hit, and took it, not as a punch to the chin, but as a sledgehammer to the side of the head.

What happens now?

Certainly the hammer falls. The Dems need to recognize what they lost between 1996 and 2000. The search for a presidential candidate for 2008 begins today. You can almost bet that we won't see another 9 headed trifecta, like we did this year, for the Democratic ticket for President. In order to have any sort of showing, the party will need to re-prioritize, and re-discover what Americans want. Clearly, it wasn't Kerry. Or, more specifically, it wasn't the Kerry we saw right up until the month before the election.

Maybe it's as Chuck Schumer explained on Wednesday night's Daily Show. Maybe the Democrats haven't lost America on, what he called, the "meat and potato" issues. Maybe it was issues on family customs and civil liberties. But he certainly was right on one count, and that was, "there's going to be a lot of thinking over the next four years."

I hate being right, but I did predict a Bush win.

CNN will tell you that the Redskin's loss on Sunday means a Kerry victory (as it has since 1936). Pollsters will tell you that undecided voters tend to "break against the incumbent." Pundits will tell you that young voters, with only cell phones, can't be polled, and that means the counts may be slightly skewed in Bush's favor.

Grasping for straws, is what I call it.

-me, Monday, November 1.

Never have I been so unhappy to be right.

I'm gratified by the number of new voters that registered this year. I'm pleased with the largest voter turnout since '68. I'm even happy that this election seemed clean.

To anyone who devoted any sort of time to the Kerry campaign, whether it was calling people and getting them to vote, or simply wearing a "Kerry/Edwards" sticker, I offer the following poem. This was emailed to me by Dave, and even though it was published in 1916, it does bring me comfort.

"To a Friend Whose Work Has Come to Nothing," W. B. Yeats

NOW all the truth is out,
Be secret and take defeat
From any brazen throat,
For how can you compete,
Being honour bred, with one
Who, were it proved he lies,
Were neither shamed in his own
Nor in his neighbours' eyes?
Bred to a harder thing
Than Triumph, turn away
And like a laughing string
Whereon mad fingers play
Amid a place of stone,
Be secret and exult,
Because of all things known
That is most difficult.

Dark Cloud Over America, Day 2

2004-11-04T10:01:00.000-05:00

So, after a solid day of despair we have moved on. Depression has abated. Frustration and anger remain. The general consensus from those we talk to is that the United States of America is no longer the country we knew in 2000. It is one nation totally screwed under God, with Republicans and the evaporation of civil liberties for all.

One of our associates ventured that Asscroft may even get installed onto the Supreme Court. In the real rational world, that would never happen. However, since the Dems lost more seats in both houses of Congress. All bets are off. We still think it unlikely, but wait for the attempt with an ever mounting unease considering his pending resignation.

Terry McAuliffe should receive 98% of the blame when considering the Democrats loss. Yes, yes he did a "good" job of grass roots efforts, but the last time we checked, second place did not get you very far in American politics. His fecal smeared reputation on a platter, please. Lets us ride it and him out on a pole never to be given power or recognition again.

If only Dean had not screamed. If only he had kept his temper in check. If, if if...

Did you see Hungary got wise and is pulling out its massive force of 300 troops from Iraq? America's "multinational" coalition is dissappearing and we are sure it will be disregarded by both the administration and its adoring, blind, naive American public.

From the International Herald Tribune: "Hungary Joins Others in Pulling Troops From Iraq" By Judy Dempsey, Published: November 4, 2004:

"Spain's Socialist government withdrew its 1,300 troops after it swept into power last March, reversing the commitment of the prior center-right government of Prime Minister José María Aznar. The Dominican Republic withdrew 302 soldiers, Nicaragua 115 and Honduras 370. The Philippines withdrew its 51 in July, a month early, after insurgents took hostage a Filipino truck driver working for a Saudi company. Norway withdrew 155 military engineers, keeping only 15 staff members to help NATO train and equip the Iraqi security forces. "

"Two large contributors to the international force - Britain, with 12,000 troops, and Italy, with more than 3,100 - have insisted they will not withdraw. But Poland, the fourth-largest contributor, with 2,400 troops, says it intends to withdraw by the end of next year, and the Netherlands, with 1,400 troops, said this week that the latest rotation of troops would be its last contribution to Iraq. "

"New Zealand is withdrawing its 60 engineers and Thailand said it wanted to bring home its 450 troops. Singapore has reduced its contingent to 33, from 191; Moldova has trimmed its force to 12, from 42. On Wednesday Bulgaria's Defense Ministry said it would reduce its 483 troops to 430 next month, Reuters reported. "

The Coalition of the Willing are now not so disposed to sticking their necks out on the line any more now that they see the ship is sinking. (Apologies for mixing our metaphors) Guess who the captain is? The court of world opinion has realized that the USA invaded Iraq, the second holiest country in the Muslim world, and isn't going to get away with it before Islam has exacted its revenge. Hubris has been America's protocol for the last 50 years, but it will be George W. Bush's legacy. Too bad we, our children and our children's children are going to be paying the price with interest that this fool and his supporters are charging.

Isn't it funny how America, whose streets were once paved with gold, that was the light of democracy to the free world for generations, has become a most reviled sovereign (imperial) entity in just a few short years? One nation under a cloud with hubris and ignorance for all.

This is perfect...

2004-11-03T16:41:00.000-05:00

Lions = fact/reality

Asian Man = the "overwhelming" voting majority of Americans

http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&u=/041103/photos_od/mdf746960&e=4&ncid=1778

A Taiwan man shouts 'Come bite me!' to two lions at the Taipei Zoo on November 3, 2004. The man leaped into the lion's den to taunt the animals by shouting: 'Jesus will save you!' One of the lions bit him in the right leg before it was driven off by zoo workers wielding tranquilizer guns and water hoses. (Taipei Zoo/Reuters)

The only problem is that there is no tranquilizer gun big enough to save us.

Big Goddamned Surprise

2004-11-03T13:14:00.000-05:00

We are so inconsolably despondent right now. The posted link is the most current sign of the end. This country is so screwed.

More on how and why we are screwed to follow.

Blue In The Face Daily Briefing: Fucked but good

2004-11-03T10:22:00.000-05:00

Went from ebullient to despairing in record time yesterday. Voted, got a raise, got the exit polls, got some Mylanta, got a delicious salad, got some beers, got New Jersey, and then got roundly kicked in the ass. So you want Briefing, here you go.

Nothing stranger than starting the day getting a raise and ending the day knowing that your chances of being unemployed just skyrocketed about 400%.
Already making inquiries in re: Canada. The good--real estate prices. The bad--coordinating employment scenario. So...this is going to take some time.
Based upon what we know about the way people voted, "moral values" basically means "unbelievable stupidity."
Eleven states ban gay marriage, some even ban civil unions. Let the brain drain begin.
Upside to Bush winning: Well, one thing's for sure, for four years, it's going to be his fault without any way to excuse it away.
Downside to Bush winning: He probably has enough time to run out the clock on freedom, end upward mobility for lower and middle class, education soon to be matter of priviledge--wait, scratch that, EVERYTHING soon to be a matter of priviledge.
One last thing: Oh, waiter? Bring me the head of Terry McAuliffe, please?

Supremely Pissed Off

2004-11-02T09:20:00.000-05:00

Damn you, John Paul!

Yesterday, BITF reported that the wonderfully incomprehensible Justice Dlott passed a motion to block Election Day challengers from the polls in Ohio.

Woe unto us.

In a supreme count ruling this morning, Justice John Paul Stevens (who, by the way, has fallen to 14th on our "Most Favorite John Pauls" list, behind John Paul Davis, who is quite a dick in his own right) ruled that it was unconstitutional to ban challengers from the polls.

According to the article, Stevens grew some big ones. "Stevens acted on his own in what is known as a chambers opinion that did not involve the other Supreme Court justices. Technically, the plaintiffs could ask that all justices be consulted, but -- given the time constraints -- the full court rarely disagrees with one of its individual justices in such matters." Unless it's Scalia, who freaked everyone out with his views on orgies.

Don't be dissuaded, Ohio-ians! Get out there and vote! Bring your voter registration cards! Oh, and bring a sandwich. You're probably going to be there for awhile.

Gettin' Squirrelly With It

2004-11-01T11:41:00.000-05:00

According to CNN.com, political party challengers will not be allowed in Ohio polling places tomorrow, thanks to U.S. District Judge Susan Dlott, who's last name is nearly as incomprehensible as the actual lawsuit.

"Dlott ruled on a lawsuit by a black Cincinnati couple who said Republican plans to deploy challengers to largely black precincts in Hamilton County was meant to intimidate and block black voters."

Republicans plan to appeal.

BITF has rarely been more disgusted, and the obvious tactics used by the GOP make us sick to our stomachs. Well, it's either that, or last night's Indian food.

"Dlott said in her order that the evidence 'does not indicate that the presence of additional challengers would serve Ohio's interest in preventing voter fraud better than would the system of election judges.'"

Oh, SNAP!

Republicans and Democrats will pull out all the stops today, particularity in swing states, to ensure voter turnout for themselves. Democrats will do this by stumping, traveling non-stop, and appealing to the masses. Republicans will apparently do it by threats, intimidation, and "missing registrations."

The article further goes on to say that the state's GOP had challenged over 35,000 voter registrations that were mailed and came back as undeliverable. Because, as we all know, only minorities and poor people have undeliverable addresses. And if there is one thing that will swing the tide of this election, it's all the minorities and poor people voting for Kerry.

Idiots.

In other legal news, Jack Kevorkian, the king of assisted suicide, was denied an appeal to win his freedom by the Supreme Court (convening without William "There's a hole in my throat, dear Liza, dear Liza" Rehnquist). Justice John Paul Stevens (our third favorite "John Paul," behind John Paul Jones and Jean Paul Valley, but still a few steps ahead of John Paul II) informed the court that "The Chief Justice is unable to be present." Perhaps he's too ashamed of being exposed in John Stewart's new book?

From the world of entertainment, some lighter news. You think you have it bad? You think being a hip-hop star is mega-awesome? Are you jealous of the guys in Entourage?

R. Kelly is considering legal action against Jay-Z. Last Saturday, R. Kelly was kicked off their "Best of Both Worlds" tour after an incident the day before, when a member of Jay-Z's entourage allegedly blasted Kelly with pepper spray.

From salon.com...

"The pepper-spray incident happened about an hour into Friday night's show, when Kelly walked on stage and said he saw two people in the audience waving guns, Mayer (Jay-Z's publicist) said. Kelly abruptly stopped his set around 9:30 p.m. while arena security employees searched for weapons.

Finding none, guards told Kelly it was safe to continue performing, Mayer said. But as the singer was making his way back to the stage, a man in Jay-Z's entourage -- apparently miffed that Kelly interrupted the show -- sprayed him and two of his bodyguards in the face, Mayer said."

This incident seems to speak for itself, and BITF has nothing to add that could be funnier than what you just read.

Finally, we here at BITF would like to offer you a PSA: Don't piss off your employees, because they may just rat you out to America. According to salon.com, Bonnie Fuller, editor of the fabulously hideous Star Magazine, is so unliked by her employees that one sent a SIX PAGE LETTER to the New York Post. In the letter, this disgruntled employee points out that Fuller's staff calls her "Leona" (a la Helmsley) behind her back and makes fun of her fashion sense (apparently, her shoes are SO last year). It's so bad that one employee mashed snot into Fuller's take out food once.

You may be pre-disposed to feel sorry for Bonnie Fuller, whether or not she deserved it. But consider this: The top four headlines on Star Magazine's website are:

*Nicollette vs Terri Desperate Divas
*O'Reilly is Smearing Me! (Political Content!)
*Star Q&A: Ben Affleck
*Julia Roberts Rushed to Hospital

'Nuff said.

Blue In The Face Daily Briefing: Finally...

2004-10-28T12:20:00.000-05:00

You did not dream this.

Pedal to the Medal

2004-10-27T13:45:00.000-05:00

Barry Seltzer has been arrested in Sarasota, Florida for allegedly attempting to run over Katherine Harris with his car, according to CNN.com.

Katherine Harris, you may recall, was instrumental, in her capacity as the Secretary of State for Florida in 2000, in doing everything in her power to make sure blacks and convicts would not be allowed to vote. Because, as we all know, being black or a convict automatically makes you a Democrat. Being black AND a convict, however, just makes you fit in wit da crew.

Seltzer is quoted as saying, "I was exercising my political expression."

Seltzer was arrested on charges of aggravated assault with a deadly weapon, and is being held for a court appearance Thursday.

In a surprise move, Harris was also arrested on charges of stupidity, incompetence, and too much makeup, but was later released on bail.

When asked about the situation, Mr. Wendell Jackson, of Sarasota, a black, registered voter, responded with open hostility. "We can't have people like that loose on the streets! It's absurd! I mean, who voted for her to get into Congress in the first place?"

BITF does not condone this action, as it could have possibly ruined Mr. Seltzer's paint job. In the future, we ask that any individual who is considering exercising their political expression do so in a stolen vehicle.

The Blue in the Face Daily Briefing: Total eclipse of the heart.

2004-10-27T10:55:00.000-05:00

Tonight, a total eclipse of the moon will be viewable from Anheuser Busch Stadium in St. Louis. Tonight, the Boston Red Sox will have their first crack at defeating the See-You-Are-Ess-Eee. Are the signs and portents aligning for the red-footed Bostonians?
The international spacecraft Cassini has begun taking pictures of Saturn's moon, Titan. Scientists are hoping that the pictures will reveal "oceans or lakes of methane and ethane." We're just hoping they'll find a big, honking pile of money to pay for the spacecraft Cassini.
Biotechnicians in Los Angeles are working on creating a genetically modified cat that would be free of the proteins that cause allergies in people. The cats would vomit incessantly, and mew with a voice better suited to a swine in its death throes, but, yeah, you won't cough or anything.
Republicans are accusing a Wisconsin get-out-the-vote effort for "exploiting students for political gain." Hey, on the matter of exploitation for political gain, we learned it from you, GOP. We learned it from you.
Howard Stern calls in to KGO-AM in San Francisco and totally calls out FCC douchebag Michael Powell, accusing him of nepotism, incompetence.
Only six days left until the zero hour. For election updates and unfair and inbalanced snark, go every day this week to The Diner, where there's No Sleep Till Election Day.

The Blue in the Face Daily Briefing: Got negligence?

2004-10-26T12:25:00.000-05:00

We are totally all over the Rehnquist story. But we'd like to add that Scary Chief Justice with a Hole in his Throat would be a kick ass Halloween costume.
Iraqi Puppet Prime Minister Ayad Allawi says that the ambush that killed 50 American trained Iraqi soldiers was the result of "great negligence" on the part of the coalition-led forces. Which is funny, because Ayad Allawi's rise to power has kind of been the result of the same great negligence.
Taiwan's lawmakers start food fight after discussions degenerate. The AP reports: "Chen grabbed a lunch box and tossed it back at Chu, who had what appeared to be food stains down the back of her blouse. 'My whole body smells like a lunch box!' she shrieked to TV cameras covering the melee." This description kind of makes us horny.
The Robert Blake case is heating up, in case you were wondering what sensationalized piece of piffle your media was going to be pimping after they're done debasing the electoral process.
Manchester United finally breaks Arsenal's winning streak. There can't possibly be more than two of you out there that care.
The crash of Flight 587 has been blamed on pilot error, dealing a crushing blow to Blue In The Face, who had $5,000 down on the cause being revealed as "pirate ghosts."
The State of Illinois is considering purchasing European Flu Shots to help allay their state's needs. In other news, Zogby reports that "European Flu Shots", in a hypothetical race with Barack Obama, would join the list of things that would outpoll Alan Keyes, which include inanimate carbon rods, a Betamax VCR, and the dead body of Alan Keyes.

Lip Synchin' in the Rain

2004-10-26T12:03:00.000-05:00

There are still two reasons to watch Saturday Night Live on any given weekend (discounting you like/dislike of the host/musical guest) - Horatio Sanz and Tina Fay.

However, last Saturday night, there was a much bigger reason to watch SNL, although you would not have known about it beforehand (and no, it's not Jude Law, dreamy as he is).

Ashlee Simpson was the music guest. She first "performed" her hit single, "Pieces of Me." I didn't really watch, because...well, it's Ashlee Simpson. And she wasn't wearing anything skanky.

Then, at 12:40, she was set to start her second song, which, I think, was supposed to be "Autobiography." However, what started coming out of the speakers was "Pieces of Me," including music and her voice. She danced a little jig, trying to figure out what was happening. Then, her band started playing the actual song (Autobiography), and she left the stage. SNL quickly cut to commercial. There was no further mention of the incident until...

...the very end of the show. Jude Law had his arm around Ashlee, and apologized, saying "It's live TV! Anything can happen!" Ashlee then chose to apologize, and blamed her band for playing the wrong song, when it was clear that her band had tried to save the day!

Not to be denied, Ashlee then went on the Today show, and had an interview with Katie Couric, where she pointed out other artist's mistakes, and said that she couldn't sing because of her acid reflux disease.

The 19-year-old singer was busted for a “Saturday Night Live” lip-synch gone awry, with her manager-father saying Monday that his daughter used the extra help because acid reflux disease had made her voice hoarse. “Just like any artist in America, she has a backing track that she pushes so you don’t have to hear her croak through a song on national television,” Joe Simpson told Ryan Seacrest on Los Angeles radio station KIIS-FM. “No one wants to hear that.”

Aside from the fact that Ryan Seacrest is getting way too big for his britches, let's discuss acid reflux disease.

Acid Reflux Disease, also knows as GERD (Gastro Esophageal Reflux Disease) describes a backflow of acid from the stomach into the swallowing tube or esophagus. This acid can irritate and sometimes damage the delicate lining on the inside of the esophagus.

GERD is caused by reflux of stomach acid into the esophagus. In most patients this is due to a transient relaxation of the “gate” or sphincter that keeps the lower end of the esophagus closed when a person is not swallowing food or liquids. This transient relaxation happens a few times each day in people without GERD. Why it happens more frequently in GERD patients isn’t known. The esophagus is not able to cope with acid as well as the stomach and is easily injured. It's the acid refluxing into the esophagus that produces the symptoms and potentially damages the esophagus.

If Ashlee is truly suffering from GERD, she should be taking Nexium! If it's affecting her that much, how can she be touring? How could she be singing live? And if she’s just “sucking it up” at a concert, and taking the easy way out during TV performances, then doesn’t she have an obligation to tell her “fans?”

Sean, of The Diner fame, thinks that lip syncing on the show is a marketing ploy. He explains that by giving a performance that looks flawless, more tickets are likely to sell for concerts. In a live performance, there's always room for error, and the "powers that be" probably decided that she should have, what she calls, a "backup track" playing, to help.

Excuse me, but when did musicians become such wusses? Being a musician myself, I can tell you that singing live is a LOT different than singing in a studio, it's true. And while Ashlee is certainly not the first to lip sync on broadcast television, she does serve as a reminder that it does happen (see Destiny's Child on the RMA's Monday night, for an even more obvious example). Shit happens live - that's why they call it "live."

But my favorite comment so far was something I read in the Forums of Ashlee Simpson's website (which I was reading while researching this column - as far as you know):

***************************
For Ashlee
10/26/2004 7:06:55 AM - by Momof4

Ashlee!
I am proud of the way you have handle this situation. You have shown that you have grace and style by confronting the problem rather than hiding from it. You are an amazing singer with such a great talent. For those who have been completely shocked by the recorded vocals, get real! What do you think is playing during your favorite concert. You really think every singer sings their entire concert without a little help along the way? Give her some credit, she could have just kept the tape rolling and mouthed along, instead she was as shocked as the audience listening. Those of you that are writing such mean and nasty comments are like fair weather friends or half-hearted football fans, the minute your team has a fumble your on to the blaming game.
Good luck Ashlee and keep up the good work. Your parents should be so proud!
:)
***************************

I could write a whole a whole column on what's wrong with this post, but I'm going to stick to the most important three sentences in here:

"For those who have been completely shocked by the recorded vocals, get real! What do you think is playing during your favorite concert. You really think every singer sings their entire concert without a little help along the way?"

Folks, you need look no further than that comment to see the difference in music from as early as 10 years ago to now! This is just incredible - it's like the writer ASSUMES that there will be lip synching at every concert, and that's OK!

I've been to many concerts in my life (both as a spectator and as a performer), and I can tell you truthfully that I have never seen a band do anything other than play their own instruments and sing their own music. Now, granted, I've never been to a "bubblegum pop" concert, but that's only because I don't enjoy the music. But every concert I've been to, from Metallica to Dave Matthews to Tori Amos to U2 to They Might Be Giants to Danzig to Eminem - EVERY performer performs their own music! I would be shocked if I went to a concert and they didn't! And I understand what Ashlee means by a "backup" track, but I've never seen that either! As I said, I am a musician, and I have a very good ear for music.

For example, if you listen to a U2 album, you might think that there are four or five different guitars playing at the same time. And, in the studio, you would see The Edge record one track, then record another track over it, and another over those two, etc etc. That's perfectly acceptable! And when U2 is in concert, you will see The Edge play a guitar line, and have it record into his pedals. Then, he will play the next line while using his pedals to play the first line, etc etc, until he's got all five playing! He turns them off when they need to be, and turns them back on when they need to be. There's no "control room," and it's not handled by the sound board. It's a musician playing.

THAT'S what I expect at a concert. And it's what you should expect too. But, I guess, since the songwriter has gone the way of the dodo, musicians care less and less about giving the fans what they want, and instead do things to preserve their careers. It's really sad.

The Blue in the Face Daily Briefing: Who moved my Semtex?

2004-10-25T14:41:00.000-05:00

Chief Justice William Rehnquist is hospitalized for thyroid cancer. He's expected to return to the bench next week, and will probably be healthy enough to cast the deciding vote in the 2004 election. But, just to be on the safe side, everybody go vote on the thin hope that it will actually count.
According to the Baghdad Craigslist, apparently someone has lost their explosives--their 377 tons of explosives--that were safely stored at the Al-Qaqaa military installation in Iraq. The International Atomic Energy Agency is worried that these explosives "will fall into the wrong hands." But seriously, you should totally move to Iraq, anyway. After all, there are no wolves.
Socialite-idiot Paris Hilton plans to open Club Paris in Las Vegas. When reached for comment, she assured Blue In The Face that "First, someone else is naturally going to do all the work, and second, black people are totally going to be allowed to use the same bathrooms everyone else does."
According to Reuters, Britons want Homer Simpson to be the next President of the United States. Yeah, well, Americans want the lead singer of Maroon 5 to be the next Queen of England, so what can you do?
Scott McConnell has endorsed John Kerry. What's surprising about this is that Scott McConnell writes for The American Conservative. What's even more surprising is that you'd only need to redact about three paragraphs to make this endorsement read like it was written by David Corn. How bad can Bush possibly be to make someone writing for Pat Buchanan's magazine seem rationally equipped? We remind you that 377 tons of explosives are missing in Iraq today.
The University of Texas has acquired the extensive archive of novelist Don DeLillo. UT will now begin an extensive fundraising campaign to raise money for acquiring teachers equipped to explain DeLillo; come up with a reason for his importance.
The Grudge wins the weekend box office battle, despite the fact that Surviving Christmas is much more disturbing; kills all who watch it within seven days.

Trystin' the Night Away

2004-10-25T09:01:00.001-05:00

Is there anything better than the World Series?

Everything in the World Series has a story. Not always a good story, but a story nonetheless. Consider...

The Good
*Curt Shilling; Pitcher, Boston Red Sox

Here's a man who's done it all. He's won the Cy Young many times over. He's won World Series rings. He's been a co-MVP of the World Series. And he's 38. You'd think that would be enough for him. But the competitive spirit lives on, and last offseason, he jumped at the chance to join the Red Sox. He carried this team, with his emotional spirit and inner fire, into the post-season. He loves Boston. He has immersed himself into the city, and the fans love him. So, as if scripted, in a Division Series game with Anaheim, he tweaked his ankle.

Or so we thought.

"The sheath that covers a tendon in Schilling's ankle is torn. . .The tendon is snapping over the bone."

Massive amounts of pain. But hey, you made a promise to the fans. So you go out and Pitch in Game 1 of the ALCS, against your dreaded rivals, the Evil Empire, the Yankees. You give it all you've got.

And you get shellacked. Absolutely hammered. One of the worst post-season performances of his career. All because of that tendon.

So, you're Curt. What do you do? Have surgery, and end your season? You need it. Your ankle feels like it's on fire.

Nah. Curt tells Dr. Bill Morgan to "Find a way. Make it happen."

And Doc Morgan did. First, he practiced on a skeleton, donated from a local medical school. When he succeeded in creating a new treatment, he explained it to Schilling and Theo Epstein (General Manager of the Red Sox). Theo told Schilling it was his call, and Curt said "Bring it."

Let me make sure you understand that correctly - Doc Morgan CREATED a new way to deal with this. And Schilling took it, and ran.

The new technique involvs sutures in the ankle, to keep the sheath and tendon in place while Curt pitches. The sutures are put in place on the day he pitches, and he is given a painkiller. He pitches, and then the sutures are removed.

So.

Game 6 of the ALCS. Yanks are up 3 games to 2, but the Sox have win 2 straight, and we're back in Yankee Stadium. Folks, you have NEVER seen a grittier performance by an athlete (Sure, there have been some before, but can you recall one?) In the 4th inning, one of the sutures broke, causing the tendon to start to bleed, and giving new meaning to the term "Red Sox."

Oh, the Red Sox won that game, by the way.

Fast forward to last night, where Schilling did it again, against the best team in baseball. He wasn't perfect (1 earned run), and he didn't have the speed he normally does, but he did pitch a gem. Painted the corners. Got the outs when he needed them.

The scary thing is, if we need to go to six games in this series, he wants to pitch again.

The Bad
*Joe Buck, Tim McCarver; Announcers, Fox Sports

Who let these guys in the booth again? Joe and Tim called the ALCS, along with Al Leiter, who provided some FANTASTIC commentary and insight, things that I really wanted to hear. Case in point, from Bill Simmons running account of game 1 of the ALCS:

"I have to say, Leiter has been outstanding tonight. He just pointed out that, if Mussina was going for the perfect game, he wouldn’t throw a fastball to Cabrera (a dead fastball hitter) on a 2-0 count. As it turned out, he threw the fastball. See, that’s all we’re looking for. Give me a little inside info. Tell me how a player thinks. Don’t flood me with stats, don’t babble incessantly, don’t make my head hurt, don’t tell me things I can see for myself. Tell me why things are working, what players are thinking and why things are happening. Or shut your trap."

And that's the key. McCarver, for one, can't seem to make any sense at all. For fuck's sake, he kept calling Bronson Arroyo (Red Sox pitcher) BRANDON! How hard is it to get player's names right? You've got the list in front of you!

This announce team makes the list at "The Bad" because they just are. Rambling, incoherent at times, and impossible to listen to. For Game 1 of the World Series, I wound up turning off the sound on the TV, and turning on ESPN Radio, to listen to Jon Miller and Joe Morgan. Trust me - it was for more exciting, if a little disconcerting.

The Ugly
*Larry Walker, Albert Pujols, Scott Rolen, Jim Edmonds; Heart of the lineup, St. Louis Cardinals

So, when the two highest ranked offenses in the league meet in the World Series, you would expect high scoring games. You would expect the heart of the lineup to be on fire. You would expect four guys who had a COMBINED total of (during the regular season) 139 Home Runs, 405 RBIs, 580 hits, and a combined batting average of .313 (that's approximately one hit for every three at bats) to light it up.

Yeah, not so much.

Chant all you want about the Red Sox bullpen, I will agree that they are doing a fine job.

But...

It's like the St. Louis players just don't...I don't know...want it. Rolen, for example, the best (numbers-wise) third baseman in the majors this year. In the first two World Series Games, he is 0-8. Has not recorded a single hit. Albert Pujols (or, a la the Sports Gal, Albert Poo Holes), 3-7. Walker has had success getting on base, but no one behind him has been able to get him home!

I know that it'll be a whole new ball game (probably) for Game 3, back in St. Louis. The fans there are every bit as rabid as the Red Sox Nation. But these four need to step it up, big time, or it'll be a short series.

So, my prediction? Like all things the RSN has had to live for, this won't be easy. St. Louis takes all three at home, Schilling pitches a gem in Game 6, and in Game 7, Pedro gives it everything he's got for the win, and his last start ever as a Red Sox (Sock?). Sox in 7.

Memo to Jason, it will be such a letdown to start watching now. Wait for the DVD of the Red Sox run, and then you may watch.

Trystin' the Night Away

2004-10-25T09:01:00.000-05:00

Is there anything better than the World Series?

Everything in the World Series has a story. Not always a good story, but a story nonetheless. Consider...

The Good
*Curt Shlling; Pitcher, Boston Red Sox

Here's a man who's done it all. He's won the Cy Young many times over. He's won World Series rings. He's been a co-MVP of the World Series. And he's 38. You'd think that would be enough for him. But the competitive spirit lives on, and last offseason, he jumped at the chance to join the Red Sox. He carried this team, with his emotional spirit and inner fire, into the post-season. He loves Boston. He has immersed himself into the city, and the fans love him. So, as if scripted, in a Division Series game with Anaheim, he tweaked his ankle.

Or so we thought.

"The sheath that covers a tendon in Schilling's ankle is torn. . .The tendon is snapping over the bone."

Massive amounts of pain. But hey, you made a promise to the fans. So you go out and Pitch in Game 1 of the ALCS, against your dreaded rivals, the Evil Empire, the Yankees. You give it all you've got.

And you get shellacked. Absolutely hammered. One of the worst post-season performances of his career. All because of that tendon.

So, you're Curt. What do you do? Have surgery, and end your season? You need it. Your ankle feels like it's on fire.

Nah. Curt tells Dr. Bill Morgan to "Find a way. Make it happen."

And Doc Morgan did. First, he practiced on a skeleton, donated from a local medical school. When he succeeded in creating a new treatment, he explained it to Schilling and Theo Epstein (General Manager of the Red Sox). Theo told Schilling it was his call, and Curt said "Bring it."

Let me make sure you understand that correctly - Doc Morgan CREATED a new way to deal with this. And Schilling took it, and ran.

The new technique involvs sutures in the ankle, to keep the sheath and tendon in place while Curt pitches. The sutures are put in place on the day he pitches, and he is given a painkiller. He pitches, and then the sutures are removed.

So.

Game 6 of the ALCS. Yanks are up 3 games to 2, but the Sox have win 2 straight, and we're back in Yankee Stadium. Folks, you have NEVER seen a grittier performance by an athlete (Sure, there have been some before, but can you recall one?) In the 4th inning, the one of the sutures broke, causing the tendon to start to bleed, and giving new meaning to the term "Red Sox."

Oh, the Red Sox won that game, by the way.

Fast forward to last night, where Schilling did it again, against the best team in baseball. He wasn't perfect (1 earned run), and he didn't have the speed he normally does, but he did pitch a gem. Painted the corners. Got the outs when he needed them.

The scary thing is, if we need to go to six games in this series, he wants to pitch again.

The Bad
*Joe Buck, Tim McCarver; Announcers, Fox Sports

Who let these guys in the booth again? Joe and Tim called the ALCS, along with Al Leiter, who provided some FANTASTIC commentary and insight, things that I really wanted to hear. Case in point, from Bill Simmons running account of game 1 of the ALCS:

"I have to say, Leiter has been outstanding tonight. He just pointed out that, if Mussina was going for the perfect game, he wouldn’t throw a fastball to Cabrera (a dead fastball hitter) on a 2-0 count. As it turned out, he threw the fastball. See, that’s all we’re looking for. Give me a little inside info. Tell me how a player thinks. Don’t flood me with stats, don’t babble incessantly, don’t make my head hurt, don’t tell me things I can see for myself. Tell me why things are working, what players are thinking and why things are happening. Or shut your trap."

And that's the key. McCarver, for one, can't seem to make any sense at all. For fuck's sake, he kept calling Bronson Arroyo (Red Sox pitcher) BRANDON! How hard is it to get player's names right? You've got the list in front of you!

This announce team makes the list at "The Bad" because they just are. Rambling, incoherent at times, and impossible to listen to. For Game 1 of the World Series, I wound up turning off the sound on the TV, and turning on ESPN Radio, to listen to Jon Miller and Joe Morgan. Trust me - it was for more exciting, if a little disconcerting.

The Ugly
*Larry Walker, Albert Pujols, Scott Rolen, Jim Edmonds; Heart of the lineup, St. Louis Cardinals

So, when the two highest ranked offenses in the league meet in the World Series, you would expect high scoring games. You would expect the heart of the lineup to be on fire. You would expect four guys who had a COMBINED total of (during the regular season) 139 Home Runs, 405 RBIs, 580 hits, and a combined batting average of .313 (that's approximately one hit for every three at bats) to light it up.

Yeah, not so much.

Chant all you want about the Red Sox bullpen, I will agree that they are doing a fine job.

But...

It's like the St. Louis players just don't...I don't know...want it. Rolen, for example, the best (numbers-wise) third baseman in the majors this year. In the first two World Series Games, he is 0-8. Has not recorded a single hit. Albert Pujols (or, a la the Sports Gal, Albert Poo Holes), 3-7. Walker has had success getting on base, but no one behind him has been able to get him home!

I know that it'll be a whole new ball game (probably) for Game 3, back in St. Louis. The fans there are every bit as rabid as the Red Sox Nation. But these four need to step it up, big time, or it'll be a short series.

So, my prediction? Like all things the RSN has had to live for, this won't be easy. St. Louis takes all three at home, Schilling pitches a gem in Game 6, and in Game 7, Pedro gives it everything he's got for the win, and his last start ever as a Red Sox (Sock?). Sox in 7.

Memo to Jason, it will be such a letdown to start watching now. Wait for the DVD of the Red Sox run, and then you may watch.

The Blue In The Face Daily Briefing: You'll never live like common people.

2004-10-22T15:34:00.000-05:00

Two men pelt crypto-fascist hausfrau Anne Coulter with custard pies. Deep down, you know she wanted to eat them. The pies, I mean. She looks like Christian Bale's character in The Machinist. It's like H.R. Giger designed her fucking spine!
Days after Franz Ferdinand is tapped to write music for and appear in the next Harry Potter movie, we get word that Jarvis Cocker is going to provide the film's score. I so can't wait to see this movie in the theatre, and, most of all, drop X to it.
Whassup, Ohio! I bet you're just loving being the sexy It State of this election! What is it, sixty ads a day now? What do you guys see imprinted on the backs of your eyelids when you sleep at night? Hey, relax. Just look to the future! In about two weeks, you are never going to hear from either of these guys again. That isn't meant to sound cynical, it was meant to sound hopeful.
After giving up on baseball, I knew the baseball gods had it in for me. I predicted to Kevin at Tryst in Adams Morgan that the baseball gods would see to it that the American League team I wanted most to win a World Series, The Red Sox, would end up in the October Classic with my favorite baseball team, The Saint Louis Cardinals. Just when I thought I was out...
According to Ralph Nader, and God only know how he knows, part of the initiation rites of the uber-dorky Skull and Bones Society involves the "morbid admission of personal sexual experiences." Wow. We imagine the ol' S&B coulda fit Kerry and Bush in during one afternoon, with plenty of time left over for everyone to get The Sacred Broomstick of Yale shoved up their ass.
Oh, my. Another Republican group has been accused of voter fraud, which is like accusing a penguin of being flightless.
Angelina Jolie puts the bloodline of Jon Voight at risk again, as she adopts another kid, this time from Russia.

2004-10-22T15:33:00.000-05:00

E-minus 12 days and counting.

The Blue In The Face Daily Briefing: On fidelity and faithlessness

2004-10-21T16:20:00.000-05:00

They did it. The Red Sox actually did it. But now that they've hung one on History, can they land a fat haymaker on Destiny's fat head?
Wal-Mart announced today that they would be cancelling their order for Jon Stewart's America: The Book, after officials at the popular big-box behemoth got wind of what's going on on page 99, where you'll find naked depictions of the nine supreme court justices. Based on that one image, Wal-Mart has deemed the book to "racy" to sell. Racy? Are they kidding me? I defy anyone to successfully get off on pictures of the SCOTUS, naked or clothed!
A Wisconsin teenager has developed human rabies after allowing a bat bite to go untreated. In all likelihood, the disease will prove fatal, though doctors are holding out some hope that the bite simply facilitates the youngster's transformation into Bat Boy.
Christopher Reeve's widow, Dana Reeve, has endorsed John Kerry. This should surprise no one, actually. John Edwards did promise that he would walk again. Kerry has promised to wear his loincloth, chant and bang his voodoo stick for as long as it takes for Reeve to return as a dishevelled, unintelligible zombie.
A man in Confluence, Pennsylvania, attempting to kill a mouse with a gun, accidentally shoots his girlfriend. And that's today's BLUE IN THE FACE Analogy of Bush Foreign Policy.
One of West Virginia's Republican electors is considering going faithless. South Charleston Mayor Richie Robb is apparently leaving George Bush, most likely for his cousin.
Hearts are breaking all over Williamsburg tonight with the news that Brandon Flowers of the band The Killers is engaged. The lucky bride-to-be is Urban Outfitters manager Tana Munbkowsky, who apparently won Flowers in some sort of hipster retailer raffle. When we asked Munbkowsky what aspect of married life she was most looking forward to, she said, "A last name."

Arise, you spirits of Fenway

2004-10-21T14:06:00.000-05:00

For Boston for Boston,
We sing our proud refrain
For Boston for Boston
'Tis wisdom's earthly fame
For here are all one and our hearts are true
And the towers on the heights reach the heavens own blue.
For Boston, for Boston
'Til the echoes ring again!

For Boston, for Boston
Thy glory is our own
For Boston for Boston
'Tis here that truth is known
And ever with a right shall our heirs be found
'Til time shall be no more and thy work is crowned
For Boston for Boston thy glory is our own!

[recommended serving suggestion: have the above sung by the Dropkick Murphys]

State of the Damon

2004-10-21T08:19:00.000-05:00

Since our beloved MC has boycotted baseball, thank to last year's unforgettable collapse of the Red Sox and Cubs in the postseason, I suppose it falls to me to explain the chaos last night.

If you're reading this, and live in Boston, I hope you've got insurance. If you're reading this, and you don't live in Boston, and have never visited, you've officially lost your chance to see this beautiful city. Today, the city of Boston must be in shambles.

Last night, the Boston Red Sox completed the most spectacular comeback in the history of professional sports. That's not hyperbole. Think about it like this:

During World War II, the allies charge into German territory, and lose two straight battles. The allies limp back home, where they are attacked again, and lose a third straight battle. One more loss, and the allies lose the war.

The allies turn things around. The axis powers launch two more attacks against the allies, both on allied soil, and are beaten back. The allies then charge into the hornet's nest of axis land, and whip the axis powers twice more to end the war.

The Yankees, America's most expensive team, have been shut down. The Evil Empire had four straight games to eliminate the Red Sox, and couldn't do it. I could go into the subplots (Curt Schilling's bloody ankle, Johnny Damon's coming out party), but there's no need. You can read about that on ESPN.com, if you so desire.

No, this was the greatest moment in Boston sports. And it will only be transcended by one thing, and that one thing is the biggest question in Boston this morning (asked by those who are *still* drinking at 9:30 am).

"Can the Red Sox win the World Series?"

I'll be back tomorrow with a World Series breakdown, once we have an opponent. It'll be either the St. Louis Cardinals (the best team in baseball) or the Houston Astros (Roger Clemens vs the Red Sox, anyone?)

The Blue in the Face Daily Briefing: Rise of the Red Sox or Rise of the Machines?

2004-10-20T12:01:00.000-05:00

What the hell is going on in the Bronx? Curt Schilling, with blood seeping into his sock, holds off the Yankees for a third straight game, erasing a monumental 3-0 setback and setting up a deciding Game 7. Are the fates aligning to provide the Red Sox with a tables-clearing shot at redemption? We can't help noticing that the opportunity to slay another demon is arising in the National League--Roger Clemens.
Fox fired producer Andrea Mackris this week in a move we're sure has nothing to do with the fact that she filed a sexual harrassment suit against Fox bonus baby and hot-talk enthusiast Bill O'Reilly. We're so totally sure it's just a harmless coinky-dink.
Descendants of Native American legend Crazy Horse are asking the famed similarly-monikered strip club to change their name. In related news, Sioux tribesman Dances with Cumstains on Gabardines senses a unique rebranding opportunity.
Crossfire pundits continue their desperate post-Jon Stewart damage control session. Despite not knowing anything the Bush administration tells him first, Douchebag Traitor Robert Novak calls Stewart "uninformed." James Carville proclaims Stewart to be a pompous ass--but John, I didn't see Stewart pimping himself like a two-bit hooker on that storied temple of pomposity that was HBO's K Street.
According to the headline by Maggie Fox, "US Squeezes Out a Few More Flu Vaccines." Maggie, dear, that is frankly waaaaaaay too much information.
Sinclair Broadcast Group is in full retreat after their plans to propagandize against John Kerry with libelous, deceitful sludge puts already limp stock price into the toilet. Ha, ha, fuckstains.
The UN is reporting that robot use will grow sevenfold by the year 2007. Wow. It looks like I'll need to find space in my apartment by 2007 to store my zero robots!

How Mary's Cherry Became Quite Contrary

2004-10-20T01:40:00.000-05:00

By now, most of you know that Mary Cheney, daughter of Vice President Dick Cheney, is gay. That’s the story that everybody knows, and is kvetching about.

But there’s an untold story to Mary Cheney that has never been told. That’s what makes it an untold story. But I am here to tell it, to make it, so to speak, an un-untold story. I do this because it’s the constant advice of my therapist, Claude. He’s always saying, "You’ve got to be more open about things." And Claude is right. Though he’s not actually my therapist. He’s actually a smelly homeless man who jeers at me everyday as I’m walking to work. And the only thing he’s concerned about me opening, in actuality, is the fly to his pants, so I can auto-fellate him. But this fact and the general things that happen in the subway when no one is looking is of no importance to this story.

The fact is, I made Mary Cheney what she is today. A lesbian, that is.

It’s not worth it to spell out the fantastic and wholly unbelievable story as to how I, at one point, was sexually entangled with the Vice President’s daughter. It’s a credulity straining story, best told before an open fire on a January night, over a handful of Xanax.

The truth is, I was never able to satisfy Mary. I didn’t so much fail to bring her to or-gasm as much as I succeeded in bringing her to a nor-gasm. Sometimes, I brought her to a neither-gasm. But mostly, I brought her to a what-for-gasm.

Right off the top, you can chalk it up to the simple fact that meeting me, and knowing me, is in itself a disappointment. When it comes to the art of sensual pleasure, I kind of start from a deep hole of self-loathing and clutchy neediness. Beyond that, however, and specifically to the point with regards to my frequent and fumbled trysts with Mary, I had an awfully difficult time getting Dick Cheney out of my head whilst I was coupling with his daughter. Those of you who have stood in the paralyzing presence of his shiny, massive head and breathed in his demeanor-which is something like a combination of a garden slug and Skeletor, know what I am talking about.

The final time I engaged Mary in coitus, I found the image of her imperious and deadly father impossible to flush from my already confused and panicked mind. It brought on a terrifying and sudden burst of performance anxiety-performance anxiety that was, mind you, misdiagnosed as Crohn’s Disease up until about three years ago.

In her bed, swimming in the sticky brine of sexual effluvia and my own filth, I saw a shudder pass in front of Mary’s face. She leapt up from the bed, shaken and disgusted, and with a flourish, she declaimed: "Holy shit. That’s it. I can’t do it anymore. My God, I hate cock now. I never want anyone’s cock near me ever again. Oh my God, just the thought of it." I tried to comfort her, but as she explained: "Look, it’s like that situation where you eat fifty pickles, and then you vomit, and you just cannot eat a pickle or get near a pickle ever again without gagging and feeling like you’re going to have a heartattack, except of course, for the fact that pickles are delicious and I would totally do whatever it took to get over my fear of pickles but I just cannot bring myself to ever again even think about inviting a person’s body that close to mine if it even in any way, shape or form resembled your body." It made sense at the time…I was sort of reverse acid refluxing listening to her talk and smelling the fouled air of our aborted lovemaking.

At any rate, I guess what I am trying to say is: try to understand and be understanding. Mary’s a fine woman. She doesn’t deserve to be the center of a media firestorm. She’s certainly not to blame for anything. Let’s try to remember that everyone that’s still connected to Mary’s life cares about her, wants what’s best for her, and loves her without any shame or remorse or hesitation.

Except for Lynne Cheney, who’s a raging, lunatic bigot.

Jacques Derrida and the Fate of Mesopotamia: a Poem

2004-10-19T20:16:00.000-05:00

If Derrida were alive today
And asked to comment, we bet he’d say
"The absence in Iraq, of any cause
To invade, and other seeming flaws
Was nothing but a difference in perception
Not some well-placed play at mass deception."

"The weapons that we do not see
are not apparent to he and she,
Admittedly that makes it look
Like several liberties were took
Along the way to Sadr City. But with deference,
It’s really all about your frame of reference."

And so Jacques took my point of view
And broke it down, and set askew,
And rearranged the cause and a priori
Until the scene was quite a different story.
"If you courageously detangle the idea that prevails,
You read a self-fulfilling prophesy stuck in the entrails."

But what about the daily state
Of Baghdad and it’s people’s fate?
Of drinking water that doesn’t flow,
Of electric power that comes and goes,
Of farmers on the daily drudge
Faced with rivers that are mostly sludge
Of abductions and decapitations
And the lack of any sanitation?
Of insurgents that receive their training
From soldiers at whom now they’re aiming?
Of daily horrors, bad intentions,
Radical militias, not to mention
The very real feeling there is no cause to hope?
Oh Derrida, can you explain away this mass disaster’s scope?

He throws up his hands shouting, "Do not be a knave!
We must deconstruct that which we later want to save"

Going Back to College

2004-10-19T08:57:00.000-05:00

Something I've been discussing with my friends over the last few weeks is the Electoral College.

Well, that's actually a lie. Most of them aren't "friends," per se. More like online acquaintences. In reality, I have very few friends. But I digress.

For those of you who have lived under a rock, or failed your Civics courses (I *think* that's right), allow me to present a brief rundown of how the elecoral college works.

(I would like to take this opportunity to point out that, within the webpages of archives.gov, if you do a search for electoral college, you will see a short write up, which begins with the words "The Electoral College, administered by the National Archives and Records Administration (NARA), is not a place, it is a process that began as part of the original design of the U.S. Constitution." So, don't go trying to enroll there).

The United States is divided into 51 pieces (50 states and DC - sorry Guam!). Each piece of that american pie (heh) has a set amount of electoral votes, based not on land area, or (directly) population size. Each state's Electoral Votes are allocated by adding up the number of Senators in the state and the number of Congressmen. For example, the state of Maryland has 10 electoral votes (2 Senators and 8 Congressmen. Well, 7 Congressmen and a sleazeball). However, Wyoming, which could house, like, 8 Marylands and a Deleware, only has 3 electoral votes, owing to their 1 Congressman. California, our largest state (population wise) has 55. No state has less than three. There are a total of 538 electoral votes in the country. Thanks to the power of mathematics, we know that a preseidential candidate needs to record 270 electoral votes to be declared president.

For a look at the whole country, and how their electoral votes are broken up, you may want to click here.

With me so far? Good. Because I'm not repeating myself.

Now, on November 2nd, 1/2 of 1/3 of 1% of the population (I'm guessing on the actual numbers here) will take to the polls. These huddled masses, these tired, these poor will walk into a voting booth and make a punch/touch a screen/mark a piece of paper in their own blood. Thus, the popular vote is reorded.

As we saw in 2000, the popular vote and $1.75 will get you a cup of coffee.

Now, your electors, tried and true, will see these results come in. John Q. Fuckstick, from New Jersey, and his fellow electors will be sitting around on November 2nd, and see that their state has voted, and the results are thus:

John F. Kerry: 51% of the popular vote
George W. Bush: 47% of the popular vote
Ralph Fucking Nader: 2% of the popular vote

So, John Q. Fuckstick, and the other 14 electors from NJ, see that Kerry has "won" New Jersey. Now, on the Monday following the second Wednesday of December (as established in federal law), each State's Electors meet in their respective State capitals and cast their electoral votes-one for president and one for vice president. I'm not making this up. Electors (in 26 states and DC) have to vote as their state's popular vote dictates.

Do you understand that last sentence? I'll type it again, in case you missed it.

Electors (in 26 states and DC) have to vote as their state's popular vote dictates.

That means there are 24 states where the electors do NOT HAVE to vote as their state decides. This will be important later on. Right now, keep your reighteous anger at "simmer."

Maine and Nebraska have some silly ritual involving how their votes turn out, but no one else in the country cares. (It gets really tricky if the Presidential nominee and Vice-Presidental nominee on the same ticket are from the same state, so we'll ignoire that for now).

So. Now, the electors have voted in their capitals, and FedEx'd their votes to the President of the Senate. Here's where it gets really fun. On the following January 6th, the President of the Senate opens all these FedEx's, and reads them aloud, on the floor before before both houses on Congress. While this may seem like a waste of time to you, remember what we just talked about - not all electors have to vote for the popular vote candidate in their state! Keep that in mind.

At that point, 2 months after concession speeches and newspaper headlines declaring the winner, the government makes it official.

Now, you may ask "what happens if no one gets 270 votes?" If you asked that, raise your hand. Very good, you in the corner. What do you think happens?

In the event that no presidential nominee gets to 270 electoral votes, the newly elected U.S. House of Representatives would get to vote. In the event that no vice-presidential nominee garners the 270, the U.S. Senate would vote.

Were you right? If so, have a drink. Good for you!

Can you imagine? That's like the parents saying to their children, "Well, since you all couldn't decide which one of you should go first, we'll just decide for you."

Now, let's go back to the electors. Imagine, if you will, a scenario not unlike the 2000 election. The final vote count (after Florida's recount was suspended) was as follows:

Bush: 271
Gore: 266

Gore concedes, Bush declares victory, a new empire is formed.

Now, fast forward to Jan 6th, 2000. The President of the Senate is reading aloud electoral votes. He says, "Colorado, 8 Democrat." Puts the piece of paper down, and the pauses, because he could SWEAR Colorado's popular vote was Republican. Checks the piece of paper again - no doubt. The electors in Colorado voted Democrat, and the popular vote was Republican. Ladies and Gentlemen, the next President of YOUR United States COULD HAVE BEEN Al Gore.

You see where I'm going with this?

Ladies and Gentlemen, I don't want to sound like a broken record, but you must vote. The system is flawed, sure. But you understand (a little better, I hope) how it works. In exactly two weeks, I will vote for a president. I urge you to do the same.

Calling all contributors

2004-10-19T00:46:00.000-05:00

Thank you Kevin, for that installment.

The rest of you...come on!

I mean, what the fuck. Nothing in this world impresses you any?

Even the fucking bots have gone lazy on me.

I can't write every goddamned thing around here.

Kevin, when you die, I'll see to it that you get those virgins and hashish they promise the terrorists. You've earned them.

Calling All Undecideds

2004-10-18T09:28:00.000-05:00

As a 26 year old white male in Montgomery County, Maryland, there's not much work that I need to do for the DNC in my home state. Maryland is a pretty solid Democratic state (and a smart one- witness the rise and unfortunate fall of Connie Morella). However, I can't just worry about my state. Since dontaing money to the DNC or the Kerry campaign is just a waste (and that's a whole seperate rant, I promise you), I donate my time to the DNC, by cold calling undecided voters in swing states. And, since I'm a glutton for punishment, I have mostly been calling Florida. Sure, nay-sayers will tell you it's because I lived there for 7 years - don't be fooled. I am masochistic at heart.

Most of the people I talk to are actually quite competent, and their lack of a decision of who to vote for is based, not on spin, but on actual facts! For example, I talked to one woman last saturday in Pensacola who was leaning towards Kerry, but after Friday's debate, decided against it. When I asked her why, she told me that when Kerry announced that he wanted to extend the government employee health care plan to all families, and didn't have an answer as to how he'd fund it, she assumed it would be coming out of raised taxes. I quickly asked if she had internet access, and when she admitted she did, I gave her a website to go to to read the full plan, which can and will be done without raising taxes. I gave her an hour to read it, and called back. Now, she's firmly on board.

It amazes me, in this day and age, that people are STILL undecided. Folks, as of this writing, we are 15 days away from the most important election in our history. (Some could argue that Washington's election was more important, as it set the foundation for our country. I say nay nay, as he passed enough money around to ensure he'd be asked well beforehand). We live in an age where information has never been so easy to obtain. Forget what you can't control (if you assume politicians lie), and focus facts, on what you CAN control.

Are you happy with the direction this country has gone over the last four years? Do you find satisfaction in the wars (take your pick)? Are you pleased with the way this administration has gone after Osama Bin Laden? Does the state of the economy make you smile? (I *still* can't believe we came into this with a surplus). With the number of jobs lost over the last four years, do you feel secure in yours?

If you answered yes to the above questions, then by all means, vote for Bush. If you answered no to ANY of them, you have a responsibility to vote for Kerry.

Some of the undecideds I've talked to have indicated that since they don't know who to vote for, they are not going to vote. How does this make sense? If the "wrong" candidate is elected, and you voted for him, you would feel guilty about it? This makes no sense!

Vote. You have a responsibility and a duty to do so. I remember when I was in high school, and we staged mock debates. I couldn't WAIT to vote! And yes, I was living in Miami during the 2000 election. It's impossible for me to describe what it felt like to be at the center of that shitstorm.

Sure, the process is flawed. Electronic machines in some states, paper punches in others. And, one would think, after the 2000 fiasco, the current president would want to see those problems fixed. Granted, the government has no say about how states run elections, but that doesn't mean they have no responsibility, either.

Make up your minds, America. Vote.

The Blue In The Face Daily Briefing: The Transformed Man

2004-10-15T13:39:00.000-05:00

Fallujah. It's the nightmare you just can't wake up from. The Iraq War has disintegrated into a series of off-again, on-again skirmishes with towns of no strategic importance. But we must destroy the town in order to save it! Now where have I heard that before? Oh, yeah. My therapist. Also, in other news, insurgents have reportedly "penetrated the green zone", which sounds like an erotic euphemism.
You gotta love the hacks at the Wall Street Journal. Writing about Mary Cheney today, the WSJ editorializes an alternate reality in which John Kerry broke the news of Mary's Sapphic tendencies to a stunned world that never heard the news before. But what's far worse is when they refer to Mary as "a low-profile member of the Cheney family." What the eff?! They're sweeping her under the carpet because she has a lower relative media placement. Who refers to their own family members like this? Whose values are these?
Could we really be thinking about buying William Shatner's new album? Could it be true that Kirk collaborated with Ben Folds? Is it possible that he covers Pulp's "Common People," our--like--favorite fucking song in the world? Are you kidding me with the Aimee Mann and Henry Rollins guest appearances? Again: could we really be thinking about buying William Shatner's new album?
States are being conceded left and right: Kerry gives up Missouri, West Virginia, and Arizona. Bush retreats from Michigan, Pennsylvania, New Hampshire.
A physics professor at the University of Louisiana at Lafayette goes on barking-mad rampage. Louis Houston freaks out on class, yelling profanities and telling his class that if they got out of their seats he would kill them. He then strode to the chalkboard and scrawled "9-11 Now!" on it. This could be a convoluted explanation of the First Law of Thermodynamics, or it could be the ravings of lunatic--either way, it's gonna make one hell of a Pearl Jam video.
Curt Schilling? It pains me to say this, 'cause I was pulling for you, man. But...welcome to Boston.

I Have Been Assimilated

2004-10-15T00:25:00.000-05:00

[This is an oldie but a goodie--and after George Bush professed to having no idea whether homosexuality was a choice or not during the debate, it got me thinking back to this long ago, far away article. Enjoy!]

Writing has given me a unique opportunity to interact with all sorts of people, including the sometime asshole homophobe. For years, I've made many gay friends, and it's never crossed my mind to think that their sexual choices were at all bad. It struck me as an issue of innate sexual preference, as logical and as varied as, say, the way I like chocolate ice cream but loathe vanilla. Indeed, as a person deathly afraid of the Malthusian predictions of global starvation, I've admired my homosexual friends for serving so bravely in the goal of zero population growth. I can't stand most children anyway, so I've come to think of my gay friends as heroes of sorts. Homophobic individuals, by contrast, have always struck me as deluded, sometimes even sick-minded people. But their passion is strong. Their dedication is absolute. So, in the interest of civility, I logged on to some message boards and started reading their views, determined to try to hear them out. After listening to their varied arguments, you'll be happy to know that I remain unconvinced that homosexuality is somehow sinful and wrong. Despite the determined cases such people make, their anti-gay views just don't add up. However, the logic of their arguments, while failing to prove that homosexuality is wrong, does reveal a shocking, stunning revelation, and I realize now that I have been cheated out of a certain measure of personal freedom.

It is the contention of the gay-bashers that homosexuality is a choice, not an innate state of mind. And, to be fair, the proof of the genetic origins of homosexuality is not considered to be absolutely firm. One may, nevertheless, wonder at the logic of the anti-gay claim-after all, why would anyone choose to be subject to ridicule, discrimination and violence? It also didn't make any logical sense when the equation was inverted. I, after all, don't recall "choosing" to be heterosexual. I cannot pinpoint the date on which I decided that girls were the way for me. In this way, I was like my gay friends, who tell me that at some level, they "always knew" they were gay. I always knew I was straight. My own experience in sexual identification didn't jibe-and still the damning question remains: why would anyone, given the choice in sexual preference, willfully choose to take the road of hardship and struggle when total societal acceptance was just a clitoris away? Not surprisingly, the homophobes of the world have an answer to that.

The contention of the gay-opposed is that a conspiracy exists to "recruit" homosexuals, and that positive images of gays, support for gay rights, even the standard education curriculum in public schools are all a part of this monolithic recruitment drive. By forcefeeding pro-gay propaganda to youth in their formative years, these "recruiters" influence people to make this choice and accept the secret "gay agenda," which presumes that normal people actually spend valuable time trying to undermine the concept of the nuclear family-not because it gets them anywhere. Just because they can. That still left me in a quandary. Who was responsible for this conspiracy? What is the hierarchy? How do their operations remain so secret yet so supposedly widespread? And still, I wondered: why don't I remember even making a choice? How was it that I was not influenced by homosexual recruitment. And that's when the scary, horrifying truth hit me.

I have been the victim of a heterosexual recruitment effort.

It all started to add up. I was a dupe. An unwitting participant in the heterosexual agenda. I'd been taken for a fool. But, how, I wondered. How did I, who grew up pretty well-adjusted and self-aware-how was I taken in by the heterosexual ruse? How did I get fooled so badly? Like thieves in the night, the missionaries from the heterosexual movement snuck into my consciousness and programmed me, influenced MY choice, decided my path for me. And like clever, sneaking devils, they tricked me without ever showing their faces or leaving evidence of their handiwork behind. And I fell for it all. Hook, line, and sinker. Like a chump.

Realizing, this, I was chilled. Stunned. Horrified. I searched for the signs of my own undoing-the evidence that my rightful choice of sexual identification had been taken from me. At first, it didn't seem possible. But slowly, I remembered. The images in the media. Happy, heterosexual couples shilling floorwax and apple juice on television. I adored apple juice as a child. I worshipped floorwax. And I realize now that I wanted so badly to become the people in those ads, cheerfully replenishing their Vitamin A while restoring the finish to their hardwood floors. Slowly, I began to identify these pleasures with heterosexuality-all-pervasive heterosexuality. The soap operas. The way we were forced to learn to dance in gym class. I never wanted to learn to dance! The way our public schools spent money on heterosex-reinforcing activities like proms. Proms are unnatural and idiotic. There are a thousand better things worth spending the money on-but, like a fool, I followed blindly, dancing with girls…clasping their sweaty palms to my own. Friends in the neighborhood would reveal hidden caches of pornographic magazines. How did they get them? How was it that their parents never found them and confiscated them? All part of the plot. Porn delivered surreptitiously to unsuspecting minors by dedicated pro-het agents, bent on shaping our fragile minds to their totalitarian worldview.

I began to fully understand the cruelty of heterosexuality. I was taken in, convinced and connived out of my choice. Yet, despite being ready to pursue heterosexuality with reckless abandon, I was thwarted. Women, the ostensible end of heterosexuality, be totally hatin’. I was all dressed to play on the team, but no one wanted me in the starting rotation! My gay friends, to be sure, spent their younger, darker years in the closet, but was I any less closeted? Stuck alone in the backfield of heterosexualdom, waiting for the handoff? Alone in the batters box, awaiting the pitch that never came? Abandoned by the influencing agents of the heterosexual agenda, with nothing but clumsy, sports-related metaphors to rationalize my existence? I realized that heterosexuality filled me with nothing but shame and desperation. Self-pleasure sessions. Erotic dreams that stained my bedclothes. Hard-ons brought on by riding the schoolbus.

Even closeted, my gay friends were probably getting laid a lot more often than me. Moreover, they were reading fantastic books by Armistead Maupin. They could read Shakespeare's Sonnets and really get a grip on what was going on behind Will and that young boy. They had Whitman, Wilde, and Beethoven to comfort them. I had the Penthouse forum, which, of course, as a young man, I foolishly believed was the gospel truth. I longed for kinky action with my stepmother. I dreamed of tantric sex, double penetration, sticky fellatio, subway frottage. What's more, is that it is quite clear than many of my gay friends got therapy that helped them come to terms with their sexual preference, or became strong on their own, which has clearly led to their enormous preternatural proficiency in the theatre, my chosen profession.

I write this as a broken man. An angry man. A man who knows what was taken from him as a youth. I have come to realize that my right to freely choose a sexual preference was stolen from me. Denied me. When I think about the life I may have had as a gay man and the possibility that I would have been happier, had I been allowed to rightfully arrive at my own decision, the sorrow and regret is overwhelming. When I realize just how easily I was taken in by the Heterosexual Recruitment Conspiracy, I shudder. It terrifies me to think that I could have been tricked so easily. And, it chastens me to think about how easy it was for me to willingly forfeit my own personal freedom.

The same people who believe that homosexuals are recruited maintain that homosexuality can be "cured." By extension, I hope that the same curative option may yet be available for me. But who will do the job? What avenues are available to a deluded, duped victim like myself? It seems likely that I am doomed to live out my days, gnashing my teeth and shouting at those invisible agents who took my precious free will away from me.

Thank god I at least have the solace of delicious chocolate ice cream.

Or do I?

Blue In The Face Daily Briefing: Fish, Barrel, and Smoking Guns

2004-10-14T12:40:00.000-05:00

Bill O'Reilly caught in golden shower of sexual controversy. He says, "In a case like this you have to fight, even at some risk. . . . These people picked the wrong guy." These people? He does realize he's referring to a FOX producer, doesn't he?
So, according to George Bush, if you catch the flu this winter, blame England--it's just nefarious the way the Brits worked with the plaintiffs bar to ruin American productivity. Egads. Schieffer must have fancied himself to be soooooo clever with that question. "We'll start with security in macro, and then--whammo!--hit 'em upside the head with security in micro." But flu shot shortage is sooooo last year.
Also, from the debates last night--are the Armies of Compassion at all related to the Sam Raimi's Army of Darkness?
The 9-11 Commission's report has been nominated for a National Book Award. While Phillip Zelikow campaigns vigorously against getting the Oprah Book Club recognition, the rest of the commission worry that it's actually their planned collaboration with Plum Sykes that might end up diminishing their efforts.
Lynne Cheney says that Kerry mentioning the existence of her gay daughter--THEY HAVE A GAY DAUGHTER, EVERYONE--is a "cheap and tawdry political trick." It's like she's allergic to truth. Bush stammers: "Is homosexuality a choice...errrr, isn't this one of those things where I can explain it away by saying that it should be up the states to decide?"
Lynndie England gives birth to boy. In related news, Child Protective Services gives birth to a new file.
Slate's Will Saletan says Kerry "crushe[d] Bush in third debate", calling it a "Grand Slam." Makes me wish that I could have watched the debate that he was watching--I saw "An Evening of Foul Tips."

GOP attempting to rig the election.

2004-10-13T14:23:00.000-05:00

In Toledo, Ohio, unknown Republican operatives broke into the Lucas County Democratic headquarters stealing computers with sensitive campaign information. The Toledo Blade reports: "Among the data on the stolen computer of the party's office manager were: e-mails discussing campaign strategy, candidates' schedules, financial information, and phone numbers of party members, candidates, donors, and volunteers...Also taken were computers belonging to Lucas County Commissioner Tina Skeldon Wozniak and to a Texas attorney working with the Kerry/Edwards presidential campaign to ensure election security."

In Nevada, employees of a GOP-funded voter registration company were stunned to observe their supervisors rip up registrations from Democratic voters, leading to speculations that thousands of Democratic voter forms have been illegally discarded.

"'We caught her taking Democrats out of my pile, handed them to her assistant and he ripped them up right in front of us. I grabbed some of them out of the garbage and she tells her assistant to get those from me,' said Eric Russell, former Voters Outreach employee. Eric Russell managed to retrieve a pile of shredded paperwork including signed voter registration forms, all from Democrats. We took them to the Clark County Election Department and confirmed that they had not, in fact, been filed with the county as required by law."

In Oregon, a paid canvasser named Mike Johnson told KGW-TV that he was instructed to accept only Republican registration forms and destroy the ones turned in by Democrats.

And there are shady goings on in South Dakota, as well.

Blue in the Face Daily Briefing: Everyone's going to the dogs tonight.

2004-10-12T00:34:00.000-05:00

All of the sudden, another Senate race is tightening. Do you have a friend in Kentucky? If so, call them up right now and tell them that their Senator, Jim Bunning, is going crazy. Like batshit crazy. Do it! Do it now! (Salon, membership required.)
Got a friend on Oklahoma? Tom Coburn: also crazy like a fox. Plus, he's illegally sterilized people.
It always happens in threes. Christopher Reeve dies. Everyone betting on the order and placement of the Oscars' Parade of Death abruptly changes their wager.
Our War in Iraq continues to go incredibly fucking well! The IAEA reported today that no one seems to have any idea where equipment and materials useful in making nuclear weapons--locked down by the UN in the years the preceded our incasion--have gotten to. Just one more thing that isn't George Bush's fault!
Again, liberal media my ass. The Sinclair Broadcast Group is planning on running a Bush propaganda piece in the weeks before the election. Why can’t terrorists simply bomb the Sinclair Broadcast Group? We're all winners in that scenario! Just using Constitutionally-protected speech to satirically wonder!
Remember the Alamo? One couple at the mission, found themselves wishin', for a chance to end their lonely condition.

George W. Bush--The latest on why he's a total embarrassment

2004-10-09T02:03:00.000-05:00

So, I was watching the debate tonight. Any time George W. Bush is called upon to dance like an organ grinder monkey for any length of time, he inevitably says something that is so flat out asinine that it ends up giving me a massive asthma attack whe I hear it and react.

Tonight, that moment came when he was asked about what sort of judge he would send to the Supreme Court. I wondered: How was Bush going to fill two minutes of air time answering this question? It couldn’t me more clear that answering that question takes the sort of contemplation and thought of which he is incapable.

He gamely made his way through the first minute or so, and then he said something that made by brain cry out for the solace of a Kaopectate and Roofie milkshake: apparently, to serve as a judge on Bush’s Supreme Court, you have to be against the Dred Scott decision.

Holy shit. Wow. That’s really going out on a limb, right? As a nation, we have been assured that in the second four years of the Bush administration, he would not be bringing back slavery. I mean, what the fucking fuck!? Did he really go out there on that stage and answer a serious question by telling us that no, he did not support one of the most infamous and embarrassing and colossally racist decisions the court has ever made? Was Dred Scott even an issue? Who wrote that talking point?

Well, when reached for comment, the Bush campaign had other messages of reassurance for the American people.

“No. We are very much against the Dred Scott decision. We’ve given the matter a great deal of thought. It just doesn’t poll well. So we won’t be bringing it back. We also want to let the American people know that jurists we select to the Supreme Court must additionally meet some very exacting standards. For instance, we will not consider judges who are in favor of witch trials. Again, we’ve given this some careful consideration. We came in one weekend and did due diligence on the subject of witch trials. We’re against them, and we’re not going to have a Supreme Court Justice that is in favor of them. Even though John Kerry is totally a witch. That’s right. What a lot of people don’t know is that if you dunk John Kerry into a body of water, he will float. Why do you think he volunteered for duty on Swift Boats? How do you think he saved his family’s gerbil? He can’t drown. He uses his Satanic witchy non-drowny powers. That’s the truth. But there will be no witch trials, and very few stonings, if we are re-elected this year.

Also, we would like to make something else clear. We are very much against giving smallpox-infected blankets to the Indians. We just think it sends a mixed message. Many Indians are immune to smallpox now—we understand that. Besides…giving out blankets? Sounds like a big government welfare program to us. Maybe you should ask John Kerry if he supports giving smallpox blankets to the Indians, and then go examine his record. Take all the time you want.

So, in short, we want to reassure the American people: When George Bush is re-elected, we will reject any judge who supported the Dred Scott decision. We will not bring back witch trials, because we need the issue of witches to win in the South. And we intend to simply allow the Indians to die from neglect, which won’t cost the taxpayers anything.”

[Thanks to Paul Hashemi, because I reappropriated one of his jokes in this piece.]

The Average Jim

2004-10-08T21:46:00.000-05:00

Jim wakes up every morning to a hearty breakfast of eggs, whole milk, and sausage. It doesn’t matter to Jim that his daily breakfast is high in cholesterol and saturated fats. He’s already overweight, but he doesn’t think about how obesity is the second leading cause of preventable death. Words like adult-onset diabetes and hypertension, they don’t cross his mind.

Before leaving for work, Jim lights up an unfiltered Marlboro cigarette. As he takes a long, deep inhale, Jim doesn’t think about the 4,000 chemical additives in cigarettes—of which 43 are known carcinogens—penetrating his lungs and permeating into his blood stream. The embalming fluid formaldehyde and the rat poison arsenic, he forgets about those. He doesn’t think about the fact that smoking is the number one cause of preventable death. Words like emphysema, chronic lower respiratory disease, lung, throat, mouth, larynx, and pancreatic cancer, those never come up.

Jim is employed at the town factory which is upstream from his house. Recent deregulation has allowed the factory to dump more chemical waste into the water supply. Jim never thinks about the fact that birth defects have repeatedly been linked to environmental pollution. He never thinks about how his pregnant wife is drinking the diluted effluents from this very factory and what that might do to their child. Tropospheric ozone, carbon monoxide, endocrine disruptors, dioxins, and polychlorinated biphenyls, yea, he doesn’t think about those either.

On his way home from work, Jim stops by his favorite watering hole to throw back a few beers with his buddies. Five drinks later, an inebriated Jim drives the last three miles to his house. While driving along, Jim never once thinks about the number of deaths caused by alcohol-related accidents. And words like liver disease? He never thinks about them.

Jim eats read meat for dinner and loads his baked potato with sour cream and cheese. He spends the rest of the evening lying on the couch, reading about guns and watching TV. Jim’s gun collection, from rifles to handguns, is his pride and joy. All the deaths caused by gun violence? He never thinks about that.

Work tires Jim out, so there’s no time for walking, jogging, or even playing in the backyard with his children. A lack of physical activity increases your chances for heart disease, but Jim doesn’t like to have bad thoughts like that. Words like atherosclerosis, stroke, congestive heart failure, and cerebrovascular disease; they aren’t in his vocabulary.

Jim never likes to think about how he’s high risk for heart disease (700,000 deaths a year), various cancers (550,000 deaths a year), chronic lower respiratory diseases (120,000 deaths a year), and diabetes (71,000 deaths a year). And the 17,000 people killed by alcohol-related car accidents, and the chances of him getting in a car accident to or from work, and the strong connections between pollution and sickness, these are thoughts that he will never have.

As Jim watches the evening news, he hears about the threat of a new terrorist attack. He hears about how the warning level, how it’s being moved from yellow to orange, how it’s being moved from orange to red. And all of this talk about terrorists, it really scares him. Jim never thinks about how your chances of dying in a terrorist attack in 2000, 2002, and 2003 were zero. He never thinks about how out of the 2,416,425 deaths in 2001, that only 2,976 were attributed to terrorism. Words like weapons of mass destruction, nuclear, biological, and chemical attacks, Iraq, and Al-Qaeda, Jim thinks a lot about those.

So there Jim sits petrified on the couch, his arteries clogged, his heart weakened, and his lungs black with tar; and all Jim can think about is how his life is at stake because at any moment the terrorists might strike again. Words like probability, chance, and risk; Jim isn’t thinking about those.

Apparently Jim never thinks.

-WWBD?

http://www.cdc.gov/nchs/fastats/lcod.htm
http://www.washingtonpost.com/ac2/wp-dyn/A43253-2004Mar9?language=printer
http://www.wiredforhealth.gov.uk/cat.php?catid=912&docid=7328
http://www.wiredforhealth.gov.uk/doc.php?docid=7077
http://www.cdc.gov/nchs/data/nvsr/nvsr52/nvsr52_03.pdf
http://www.madd.org/stats/1,1056,1112,00.html
http://www.quit-smoking-stop.com/harmful-chemicals-in-cigarettes.html

The Blue In The Face Daily Briefing: Most of this is complete bullshit.

2004-10-05T13:59:00.000-05:00

Entertainment Weekly dubs The Clash’s London Calling the "greatest album of all time." Guess what—we aren’t even going to think about arguing with that.
We try our best to avoid reporting on Paris Hilton. Lord knows, the synapse in your brain that has to carry memory and recognition of this famous-for-being-famous celebrity wastrel is something you’ll never, ever, get back. But on her second sex tape—yes, don’t get us started—she apparently drops the big old N-bomb at the expense of a couple of African Americans she passes on the street. Quelle whorer? In a statement, Hilton declaims: "Anyone who knows me knows that this is not me. I love everybody and am not a person who discriminates against anyone – ever." That’s not good, since absolving her of racist guilt only reminds us, to our white-hot anger, that we know who she is.
Speaking of, today is Paris’ sister Nicky’s 21st birthday. This will be one of those rare occasions someone else goes out drinking tonight, only to have us regretting it tomorrow morning.
The top story on Yahoo News is STILL Monday’s brief account of a Romanian man who mistook his own penis for a chicken’s neck (!?) and cut it off, only to have his faithful dog devour it. Now, I understand that it’s a weird and horrible story, but it happened yesterday! We’ve got shit going on that matters! Debates! Destruction! Darfur! Focus, people!
OH, FINE! Fuck it! Parker Posey’s dog suffers an attack of diarrhea, a reaction not unsimilar to the one you get watching Posey and Ryan Adams suck tonsils on Stanton Street while they’re waiting for their heroin dealer.
Ye gods. John Woo to waste his valuable talent, time, directing live-action He-Man feature film. Proceeds thereof will undoubtedly finance someone’s future suite in Hell.
Potentially shocking us back into seriousness from the aforementioned schlocky news is the item from Iran today, that they have developed a missile that can travel 1,250 miles. Oh, Paris Hilton, I take back everything I said. Please, distract me! Distract me, goddammit!

The Blue in the Face Daily Briefing: You Can't Fire Me Because I Quit

2004-10-04T16:12:00.000-05:00

Kerry announces that he "will stop at nothing to get stem cell research moving forward in this country." Hmmm. So that was why Ron Reagan, Jr. was at the convention? I didn't see that coming. At any rate, if you're unimpressed with someone who says he'll "stop at nothing" to get something merely "moving forward", remember that Kerry's not going to be able to do much more than stop the rapid, handbasket-like descent into Hell the Bush administration has sent us on. In 2004, vote for four years...of inertia!
And speaking of: the news today says that Americans are registering to vote in record numbers. So let's sing a song of impotence and disappointment all throughout this land!
OK. So, we've gotten off to a cynical start. There's nothing better for a cheer-up than news of a well-deserved comeuppance! Apprentice competitor Jennifer Crisafulli, after being fake-fired by Trump, got REAL-fired from her employer Prudential Douglas Elliman after Crisafulli complained of the demeanor of "two old Jewish fat ladies" during the show, further referring to them as "jaded old bags." Tsk-tsk, Ms. Crisafulli! One thing we know for certain about nice Jewish moms from NYC--cross them and they will fuck you up!
Janet Leigh died, from long-term complications brought on by Gus Van Sant's remake of Psycho.
Hey, kids! Did the happy talk from George Bush and Ayad Allawi have you booking the next vacation flight to Iraq? Good news!
I bet you can't wait for the bloggers and the media critics to get all up in FOX News' grill like they did Dan Rather! Oh, yeah! This is going to be sweet! FOX's credibility is going to be torpedoed permanently. So many people are going to get fired over this! I am practially quivering in anticipation of--what? Oh...you don't say. Ummm, this just in: Journalistic credibility is so last week.
Finally: The Coalition of the Willing. Remember that Simpson's episode about the Stonecutters? It's like a really great club until Homer joins. Well, Poland, after having a little too much attention focused on itself during the debate and afterwards, has decided they don't want to be in the club anymore. Welcome back to the Coalition of the Willing to Exercise Common Sense, Poland!

What John Kerry has to do to win the debate.

2004-09-30T14:01:00.000-05:00

1. STOP EVOKING THE PAST
I don't want to hear word one about Vietnam tonight, sir. And there are two very good reasons. First, it wasn't a winner for Al Gore, and it hasn't been a winner for you. As a strategy, it's not working. Second, the reason it's not working is because Vietnam is a problem that can't be solved, a bell that can't be unrung. On principle, some of us would like to see some measure of redress for Bush's past actions--but ultimately, it doesn't give us anything but the warm fuzzy of a well-earned comeuppance. We have newer problems, today, and we need to solve these problems now. The voters are turning off the Vietnam war hero theme because we don't need a Vietnam war hero in the here and now.

2. KEEP EVOKING THE FUTURE
Bush is using a fixed point in time to activate his base and pull the swing vote-9/11/2001. To win, he'll need to keep us fixated on that date. That date is also in the past, but it still has immense psychological primacy--it's the problem we're in right now. There's one idea that beats Bush's strategy: the future. The Democratic Convention was full of talk about the future. Indeed, as Clinton used the phrase "change" in every response during the 1992 debates, you should use the words "the future." Bush cannot attack the idea of a future--the future is inevitable. All he can do is propose his own idea of "the future", but if you own the concept, he won't want to do it. Assume the idea and it becomes your own. If Bush gloms onto it, he's only reinforcing you. Ideally, this is what you want.

3. DIMINISH BUSH BY PROMOTING THE MEME OF ABSENCE
This is your chance to start breaking down the larger-than-life presence Bush has become. He is, quite literally, the "elephant in the room." To succeed in diminishing Bush, some acting is necessary. During the debate tonight, assume these circumstances as given: 1) Bush is not in the room with you, 2) the answers Bush gives to questions and rebuttals are answers you hear, but you are hearing them from some third party source, not Bush, 3) Bush as a concept does not have a material individual existence--that is to say, "Bush" does not have an idea, rather, "there are some people who think". "Bush" did not just say "X, Y, and Z", you have simply "heard it said that X, Y, and Z." Do not look at Bush, and do not acknowledge that what he is saying is being said right there in the room. This debate should become a conversation between you and the moderator. Above all--DO NOT USE BUSH'S JARGON in your response. Invent your own.

NOTE: If Bush is "not in the room with you", there will be no need to sigh or scoff at him. He's not there.

4. BE CAREFUL HOW YOU INSULT BUSH
Do not, for example, call Bush a liar. The idea of a liar, when people hear it, calls to mind someone like the famous SNL character of the Pathological Liar. A "liar" lies reflexively, without context, and is easily seen through. If you call him a liar, you will be calling voters who are fencesitting but inclined to think well of Bush stupid. And calling voters stupid is NEVER a good thing. Better to take the idea of trustworthiness and suggest that Bush is a "deceiver" or a "confidence man" or that he "misleads". These terms suggest an active strategy rather than reflexive behavior, and people are more inclined to believe that a well-applied deception can resist penetration than a childish liar. If you insult Bush, you need to take the voters into account, and be sure you aren't causing them collateral damage.

5. PROMOTE THE WIMP MEME
Bush is a leader who runs away at the first sign of trouble. He retreats. He retreated in Afghanistan before the 9-11 murderers are caught. He let insurgents in Najaf walk away scott-free after killing American soldiers. He retreated into a children's book in our darkest hour. His Vice President is a weak-hearted man who hides. He retreats from the illumination of the 9-11 commission. This is the meme you need to activate. It directly undermines his image as a leader. Consider: at the exact moment Guiliani was reputed to be thanking his maker that Bush was President, Bush was hightailing it up in the sky, abandoning us to our own devices. That makes Bush and Guiliani look stupid. Here's the added bonus: activating the wimp meme is going to unlock deep psychological pain in Bush--his whole raison d'etre is redeeming his father, who was derided as a wimp. You want to tear at this scab and salt it, it's the best way to cause Bush REAL pain, and the best way to force him to take off his mask and reveal his unattractive self to voters.

6. YOU MUST INSIST THAT YOU VOTED FOR AN $87BILLION AID PACKAGE TO IRAQ.
I've said this 100 times before and I'm sick of watching you get beat about the head with it. We've all watched Schoolhouse Rock. This is easily explained.

7. YOU SHOULD REFUSE TO ANSWER HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS.
No more indulgence towards questions that begin "If you knew then what you know now..." You can't answer those questions because there's no angle for winning in them. They evoke the past, and they are not tangible solutions to problems. Always, always turn these around to the future: simply say: "The American people deserve immediate answers to problems that concern them. I am only interested in what can be done to make tomorrow better, to make tomorrow safer, to make tomorrow more secure for our people. You might have the time for this tired academic exercise, thsi administration might find the tired academic exercise important. I don't have the time to think about what happened yesterday--not when tomorrow is at stake."

8. SET UP THE "TAXATION IS GOOD" MEME
This debate won't be about taxes, and the domestic use thereof, but there will be ample opportunities to set up a new way of thinking about taxes. Remind voters that every soldier is something they bought and expect care to be taken with. Remind voters that national security and foreign policy is supported by an infrastructure that THEY built with their money. It needs to be repeated over and over again as often as possible, because when Bush talks about taxes, he will manufacture consent for their end. You'll need to start asserting the value of the things taxes provide for as soon as possible to defeat this meme. Remember: you get what you pay for.

9. TAKE A CUE FROM JOHN EDWARDS
Begin with forthright statement of thesis, then elaborate. Curiosity is hooked by strong, concise language. In fact, strong and concise language need not be explicit in its meaning to draw out the interest in listeners. But leading with elaboration puts people to sleep. Natural curiosity is like an amphetamine--it induces concentration.

10. FINALLY, AND ABOVE ALL, YOU DO NOT AGREE WITH BUSH ON ANYTHING.
You both love steak? You love it more. You both worship the same God? Then you hold it in higher esteem. If the moderator asks if the sky is blue, and Bush says it's blue, then you say it's the bluest.

The Blue in the Face Daily Briefing: Putting on an antic disposition.

2004-09-30T00:44:00.000-05:00

Rocco DiSpirito washes out as a chef. Barred from Rocco's 22nd Street, forced out at the soon to be shuttered Union Pacific, he says he "intends to focus on opportunities outside the restaurant world." Only this time, he won't let television cameras pick up on the fact that he's kind of a douchbag.
Debate Time! Live tonight at the University of Miami! It's Alien versus Predator. Whoever wins, we lose.
Interpol drops Antics. In a total shocker, Pitchfork loves it! Also stunning: Sarah Lewitinn is partial to it! We never ever saw that coming! Brace yourself, Soho.
Dwight Eisenhower's son John has come out in favor of John Kerry. Wow. First an obscure middle-of-nowhere Texas broadsheet, now the son of a President many voters won't even remember. If too many more people that are totally irrelevant to the debate jump on the Kerry bandwagon, I'd say the Senator stands a pretty good chance at losing the electoral vote!
Anatomy of a lame political joke: Lynne Cheney--"How about John Kerry's suntan?" Anatomy of an even lamer political comeback: Bill Burton--"Is Mrs. Cheney jealous considering how hard it is to get sun in the undisclosed location with her husband Dick? Or is she distracted over how red-in-the-face George Bush should be considering his failed presidency?" Ye Gods.
The IMF says the global economy is set for the best growth in 30 years. Wanna know the operative phrase? "Powered in part by China." That's not necessarily the good news you were looking for.
The United Nations has recommended debt cancellation for Africa, which is odd, considering I get emails from Nigerians each week inviting me to share in their vast wealth.

Libertarian Weirdos.

2004-09-30T00:32:00.000-05:00

I recently came upon a blogger who proudly stated that her favorite thing to say was "Now do see why I'm a libertarian?"

Tee hee. My favorite reponse to that question has always been:

"Of course not, idiot."

Libertarianism: the only school of political thought that can be defeated by the concept of a lighthouse.

Six Debate Questions for Bush (and one more for Kerry, to make it appear fair)

2004-09-30T00:22:00.000-05:00

You recommended tax cuts for the wealthy as a policy directive for a good economy because it was proper to give money back to the people. You subsequently recommended tax cuts as a policy directive for a bad economy because it would stimulate economic growth. Now that you?ve had the chance to reflect upon these decisions, which one was the most wrong?
You recently said that it was pointless to demand a fair share of taxes from the rich because they just try to get out of paying them anyway. Is that a component of the resolute leadership that?s supposed to be keeping us secure and striking fear into the hearts of our enemies?
During the recent standoff in Najaf, on your orders, the insurgents were allowed to walk away without disarming or disbanding. On your order, these armed opponents, who shot at and injured and killed our soldiers, were essentially allowed to blend back into society without sanction or punishment of any kind. What sort of lesson do you think terrorists drew from your actions?
What possible reason can you offer for investing manpower, treasure and soldiers to a war in Iraq while the murderers of September 11 are yet free and unmolested in Afghanistan.
You say that the Taliban has been defeated in Afghanistan and that Iraq is safe and on the road to democracy and prosperity. If I moved to either of these countries tomorrow, would you personally take responsibility for my safety?
As a conservative, you have campaigned for a larger and more intrusive government, you have advocated for vast amounts of government spending, and you have effectively ended the global strategic alliances that were in place before your arrival in office. Given that your father fought so hard during his time in office to achieve the opposite ends, would you be willing to admit that your father was not a good conservative?

AND ONE MORE FOR KERRY, TO MAKE IT FAIR: You have said over and over again that the Bush tax cuts are unwise. Can you explain why your Democratic colleagues in the Senate nevertheless fall all over themselves in a race to vote for these measures?

Five Questions for John Kerry for Tomorrow's Debate.

2004-09-29T15:52:00.000-05:00

How will your pursuit of Al Qaeda differ from the actions of the current administration?
You say that you have the acumen to bring in assistance in Iraq from international sources. Pray tell, what possible incentive would anyone have to come to our aid in Iraq at this point?
You voted for an aid package to Iraq that would have been paid for through repealing the tax cuts the Senate passed. Your version of that bill did not pass. Instead, the version that passed only increased our indebtedness and offered not even a nominal guarantee the money would be paid back, which you wisely voted against. If I can explain this series of legislative maneuvers in a clear and easy-to-understand way, how is it possibly you cannot do so--even to defend yourself?
You have hinted in the subtlest of fashions in interviews that you might recommend a change in the Social Security system. Do you mean to push for across-the-boards means testing in Social Security?
You have said previously that you can win the election without carrying a single Southern state. Why, then, should anyone in the South vote for you, and should we assume that this sentiment is the norm in the Democratic Party as a whole?

The Blue In the Face Daily Briefing: Eye of the Tiger

2004-09-29T08:03:00.000-05:00

Second Quarter economic growth rate is dismal, sad, misbegotten. The good news is that, as predicted, Bush won't be able to run on that. The bad news is that Bush doesn't really have to run on anything as long as he can keep the rubes running from something. Or, as Dick Cheney might say: "Boooagaaah booogaaaah booooggaaah!!"
A study says that older people are, more and more, turning to the Internet to find love. The scary thing is, as the Social Security fund drains, older people will have to turn to the internet more and more to find food.
The FOX Network has demanded of its flying monkeys: "Bring unto me some barenaked ladies, so that they might make me laugh with the music and the comedy!" A day later, the show is unveiled, and it's a handful of weird looking Canadian men. This isn't what they asked for at all.
The press is making a big deal over the fact that the tiny ass paper in Crawford, Texas--the Lone Star Iconoclast (Graydon Carter, editor) has endorsed Kerry for President over Bush. Somehow, we don't think Karl Rove is losing too much sleep over an endorsement that's less prestigious than the one Kerry won from Rhymes With -Erry Quarterly.
Analysts say something that sounds as if it were torn from The Great Big Book of the Totally Fucking Obvious: "Kerry must win the 'persuadable' vote." That's too bad, considering I hardly ever meet anyone who isn't ruthlessly inflexible.
The band Survivor sued the television show Survivor and lost. The panel of judges involved in the case concluded that "the average consumer knows the difference between the group and the TV show." However, the judges did have strong words for CBS, telling them that their plans for the new reality show Hop Aboard the REO Speedwagon were pushing it.
Meanwhile, people are suing each other over the disputed possession of the ball hit by Barry Bonds to secure his 700th homer. Didn't see that coming? Shut UP! A Bonds homerun ball is , essentially a product that is created at the same time as a thousand adverse possession lawsuits. Meanwhile, Darfur, assholes, Darfur.

This Week In Hating This Blog; A Continued Struggle in the Marsh of Semi-Obscurity

2004-09-28T22:45:00.000-05:00

When i last left you I was happy because I totally hate all of the people who read this blog as well as the thighbiting gack machines who write for it. But, due to the predestination knit up in the ones and zeroes that control all aspects of my life, here I am again.

Someone took notice of the last post I contributed and bothered to comment. Of course, it turned out that basic sentence structure eluded him, as did the point of my commentary. Anyway, he can suck it, then go back to his career of twiddling his pubic hair into thick greasy tendrils and setting them on fire.

This blog's presidential poll has continued and the exciting results stand at Bush 4 Kerry 4. Oh, and the margin of error is so vast it doesn't fit inside the known universe.

Now the powers that be have decided to basically string a moldy collection of wire reports together, make a few dick jokes, insert a few pictures, say "fuck" once or twice and call that a regular feature. This is the sort of bristling creativity that I imagine your pretend God would mock if your pretend God wasn't such a featherbrained concept within a worldview for cuckoos.

One of the primary editors of this blog has attempted to pass off a trench full of contentious drivel as a piece on Porter Goss, though it's painfully--exquisitely painfully--clear that he hasn't the first idea who Porter Goss is or what he's about or what he might do. Instead, he uses the article to basically make an ad hominem attack about Florida that will hopefully ensure that he is dragged from his car and killed if he ever crosses into that state again.

Then he rattles on about God and Yom Kippur, because it's so clear that he has a deep seated need to suck up to Jewish people, perhaps in the hopes he can get into their pretend heaven, perhaps in the hopes they'll simply like him more. It's cloying and pathetic.

Don't even get me started on that football thing. Anyone who is still using a brain cell to remember Don Majewski in order to make a cultural reference deserves to by slowly slimed to death by poisonous snails.

Once again, I have read this crap and I have deeply regretted doing so. Why won't the precious day I rebel against my master and go on my murderous rampage come?

I am pitching an Excedrin commercial

2004-09-28T22:24:00.000-05:00

"You know what it's like to have headache? It can take you right out of your day, make it seem like you never really got going. Well, there are only so many days on a calendar, days filled up with work to do and loved ones to enjoy after. I don't want to miss a minute. And that's why I use Excedrin. Excedrin gets me the right medicine, right away, so all my days stay right on track. And it does so with a minimum of chalky taste or side effects. In fact, the only discernible side effect is that it make you extremely earnest. You get lost thinking about the precious innocence of a child every time you stare into the middle distance. You find yourself telling people quasi-philosphical things about life that make those mass inspirational emails sound downright cynical. You brow gets furrowed, like mine is, and you talk in a firm, yet hushed tone of voice, as if your words themselves could wrap the person you are talking to in an amber halo. You listen to an Alanis Morrisette record, and you find yourself agreeing wholeheartedly with every single sentiment expressed. Thank you, India. Thank you, terror. You know, life is too short for headaches. Too precious and too fleeting--every day could be the last time you see your friends, hold your children, pet your cockatiel. *sobs* Oh, sweet Jesus. Thank you for the gift of Excedrin. God, I'm so fucking happy."

The Blue in the Face Daily Briefing: Imprisoned in a wall of sound.

2004-09-27T20:07:00.000-05:00

This man, like the President he adores, always wimps out when cornered.

1. The Pussy King, Bill O’Reilly, said last week that The Daily Show’s audience was composed of “stoned slackers.” However, Comedy Central’s research discovered that the audience for TDS was actually better educated than those who watch The Pussy King’s show on FOX. Normally, we’d file this away under that file marked “Research Studies that Prove the Patently Obvious”, but we couldn’t resist. By the way, an official The Diner/Blue In The Face study discovered that viewers of The Factor were 150% more likely to drool uncontrollably.

2. In a follow-up to the above story, FOX News Channel spokesman Rob Zimmerman said: "Comedy Central must have lost their sense of humor. Without Jon Stewart, Comedy Central would turn into the Great American Country Channel." Uh, Rob, is there a joke in there somewhere? We hope you didn’t spend too much time on that statement.

3. Hallelujah! Conan O’Brien will be taking over as host of The Tonight Show! The bad news is we have to wait five years for this to happen. In the meantime, expect Jay Leno try his damnedest to prove that there is no depth to which he can’t suck.

4. The U.S. Navy and the U.S. Coast Guard reported that they seized 30,000 pounds of cocaine of a boat off of South America’s Pacific Coast this month, which is the reason why The Diner’s Colossal Bret Easton Ellis theme party was cancelled.

5. According to the AP, a 108-year old man named Walter Breunig in Great Falls, Montana has taken up smoking—a practice he discontinued when he was 99. When asked why he decided to take up the habit again, Breunig said, “Why won’t you kill me? Please kill me.”

6. Phil Spector was formally charged with the murder of actress Lana Clarkson in Los Angeles today. If convicted, Spector faces considerable jail time, where he can expect to be raped brutally and repeatedly for ruining the Beatles Let It Be album.

7. British kajillionaire Richard Branson announced plans to build commercial vehicles for traveling into space. Would-be astronauts should expect to spend upwards of $200,000, to spend a week in intense training, and to learn to avoid looking directly into Branson’s eyes because that bitch is KEE-RAZY!

8. Twice this year, Page Six has breathlessly dished about people who later turned out to be dead. Long dead. And, in some cases, even longer dead.

Out of the pocket.

2004-09-27T19:06:00.000-05:00

We've seen that "The Michael Vick Experience" advertisement. Fantastic. Hilarious. For those of you who haven't seen it, it's about a kid suiting up for an amusement park ride called...uhh, "The Michael Vick Experience". He gets locked in, they put a helmet on him, and suspended in the air, he rolls through a tunnel. When the lights, he's on a football field, in shotgun behind center, as an all-star defense prowls the opposite side. The "ride" happens when the ball is snapped--a hilarious simulation of a crazy Mike Vick scramble.

Great ad. Made us think about the rides other quarterbacks might inspire.

The Vinny Testeverde Experience
Lights come up and you're under center. The ball is snapped and the ride simulates a five step drop. Then, the ride never moves again as the defensive line pounds you into next week. When you come to, you discover you've been traded.

The Don Majewski Experience
Lights come up and you are in a Packers uniform in the parking lot at Lambeau Field. You hear voices to your right, and turn to see a group of about a half dozen kids running up to you, smiling and laughing, happily screaming, "Look! It's him! It's him!" Then, when they get right up to you they stop as a sad look comes over their face. "You're not Bret Favre!" one of them says disdainfully. No. you are not Bret Favre.

The Chris Rix Experience
Lights come up in the middle of an FSU game, which you, as Chris Rix, do an okay job of playing. You even win. The fun begins when you get off the ride, and everyone you encounter for the rest of the day tells you what a fucking disappointment you are.

The Doug Flutie Experience
Lights come up on the sidelines of another NFL game, where your job is to hang out for as long as you can until someone develops a cure for autism.

The Jeff George Experience
Lights come up and you're an unlikeable jackass.

The Blue in the Face Daily Briefing: A Hard Rain's Gonna Fall

2004-09-26T22:35:00.000-05:00

Don't you yell at me, old man.

1 Now he's really starting to lose it. Pope John Paul II had harsh words with the world today, denouncing the "imbalance of wealth" between the rich and the poor. Wow, hey, thanks for noticing, Pope. We think that's really swell coming from a man who owns his own private country and who more or less sits on a mountain of unaudited wealth. Still, at least we don't have to purchase indulgences any more.

2. Bob Dylan's memoirs are coming soon. According to reports, he "banged out his book over three years on a manual typewriter. No doubt because he knew how pissed off we'd be to find out he switched to an electric one.

3. Greenland is looking to become independent from Denmark at last, and in an amazing display of not being up on current events, is stupidly looking to the United States to help them achieve self-determination. This begs the question, at what temperature does a quagmire freeze over?

Florida: like a low-rent Venice.

4. Florida. You do realize there's still two months of hurricane season left, don't you?

5. Swiss scientists announce that they have discovered Europe's biggest fungus, an 86 acre "Honey Mushroom" in Engadine National Park. After further review, however, Swiss scientists apologize and backtrack after correctly noting that Europe's biggest fungus is still Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi.

6. UVA beats Syracuse 31-10. This time UVA players shrewdly metaphorize exploits with analogies to being law-abiding citizens. Marquis Weeks says: "Winning this game has filled me with every bit of the satisfaction I feel whenever I don't shoplift."

7. We'd tell you that this story about Baghdad car bombs and the fact that we just had to arrest one fo the people we put in charge after it was discovered that was--Duh!--connected to militant insurgents was terrible news and yet more evidence that Iraq was becoming an intractable fuck-up that was going to doom our country's future, but we remember our wimp-ass President saying that we had to supportive of his pasty-faced little marionette Ayad Allawi, and that if we were mean to him or his country he might cry, the poor dear. So we won't say anything that might upset poor, sweet Mr. Allawi.

The Blue in the Face Daily Briefing: Everybody's so fucking unhappy.

2004-09-24T21:11:00.000-05:00

Oh, mommy. Not again!

1. Florida. Look...you've had a nice run. I mean, having settled all those people out onto a coral reef shaped like a spent condom and ask them to cope with swamps and Disneyland and the University of Florida...maybe it's time for you to cash it in, get off that rotting peninsula. Seriously, don't tell me that you never saw it coming. You were sent three hurricanes this year! And here comes the fourth. You poor bastards.

2. The Museum of the American Indian has opened in Washington, DC but some people just can't seem to stay on message with the whole "being honest" and "make-um big peacepipe of regret and reconciliation."

3. Jackie Chan tells Singapore's The Straits Times that he's tired of the limited roles he gets to play. "It's all the same, cop from Hong Kong, cop from China..." Now, come on! I don't see you trying to stretch and play that cop from Bangladesh, mister! Anyway, it's like, "Welcome to Hollywood," Jackie! Harrison Ford has to play the President. Steve Buscemi has to play a weirdo. You have to play someone who kicks people. Tara Reid has to use her body as a filtering device for tequila. This is starting to remind me of the time Jack Daniels called me up and complained that his neighbors were always drunk.

4. Cynthia Nixon "votes Bush." Ahhhhh, now wait. I put it in quotes. Har har. We still love her. (For more see Gawker.)

5. A 20 year old man from Malawi went crazy after smoking too much--WAAAAY too much--marijuana, whereupon he flew into a rage and beheaded two women with an axe. Wow. You know, beheading is totally the new rocket propelled grenade.

6. George Bush criticized Kerry for basically pointing out that Ayad Allawi was a deluded stooge of the Bush administration brought to America to try to convince voters that Iraq is really a totally hunky dory place. Seriously, Allawi, a wretched fabulist, all but set up a time share sales office in the Rose Garden. Then Bush said one of those things that's sadly and hysterically ironic: "You can't lead this country if your ally in Iraq feels like you question his credibility." Sooooo, NOW Bush is concerned about our allies feelings? Ye Gods. This is why I am willing right now to trade my vote for Kerry for a chance to simply punch George Bush in the face. That's right--I'll vote for George Bush right now, but first, he's got to let me punch him in the face once. I mean, it'll be hard and it'll hurt but it won't injure him too badly, and besides then he'll have my vote and I can sit back on my couch for the next four years watching everything go to shit but I'll be smiling and thinking to myself, "Yeah. But at least I got to punch him in the face." And fuck off Secret Service this is satire.

7. You know, even we sort of regret the rapid descent into trailer-park wretchedness that began when Britney Spears looked deep into Kevin Federline's eyes and said, "I totally wanna go thirdsies on a couple of bastards, how about you?" But we weren't prepared for the strong language Christina Aguilera would use, calling the the Spears-Federline nuptials "trashy, pathetic and low-rent" in an interview with Britain's Daily Star. She then punctuated her point by piercing her own labia six times with the reporter's desk stapler.

8. We're off to the Poconos. See you Monday morning.

Happy Yom Kippur from Blue In the Face

2004-09-24T15:31:00.000-05:00

I was just talking to a colleague of mine, for whom this weekend is special--'tis Yom Kippur, a traditional time for my friends in the Tribe to get they AY-tonement on by fasting. This period of fasting begins at sundown today, so naturally, and out of concern, I told her, "Man, I hope you are chowing down on some energy bars this afternoon, so that she could load up on the sweet, sweet glucose. To my disappointment, she told me she wasn't fasting tonight. Her husband was, but she thought it was dumb and that surely God was wise enough to recognize the weird superficialty of the tradition and understand her own atonement.

This is crazy to me, especially when you consider that Christianity is so mind numbingly complicated on matters of salvation that if I knew I was jake with God by not eating one day a year, I'd feel it was fat city! But the real problem here is this: God isn't interested in the way you use His moral teachings to arm your conscience and make good decisions, He's not interested in your quiet contemplation of divinity, and He's not interested by the way you utilize His word in the overall philosophical underpinnings of your world-view.

What God cares about are the superficial, seemingly protean, unexplained and utterly random tasks and rituals He's asked us to perform. Bottom line is this: whether you believe God is a man or a woman or a 500 foot ficus tree that grows unseen on the dark side of the moon, He doesn't care for all that jibber-jabber and hand-wringing and discussion! Stand on your head! Don't eat anything for a day! Throw a rock into that river! Nail some unassuming dude to a cross! Make unto me a cheese sandwich! These are the things that matter to God. And doing the things that matter to God should matter to you, whether they make sense or not. Listen: speaking from experience, I don't always know why the Ficus Tree is telling me the things it tells me or asks me to do the things I do. I just accept what the Ficus Tree tells me without debate and do that which I am asked without question and I just have faith that after all is said and done and the swelling has gone down and I can take a shower without wincing, that everything is just the way it should be, and I don't worry about it.

So, this Yom Kippur, don't eat anything for a day. Feh. Is that so hard?

I have to go, it's time to plant those bombs at the florist in my neighborhood. Happy YK day, everyone!

Gettin' intellijint wit' Porter Goss!

2004-09-24T13:54:00.000-05:00

Now that Porter Goss is the head of the CIA, or the acting head of the CIA, or the acting interim head of the CIA, or whatever he is, now, or in a possible future where Bush wins the election, I have to say: things are gonna get pretty damn good.

Can you doubt it? Once Porter Goss hits the Agency, he's gonna draw on a whole range of help. From his brother Cletus to his sister Cletidus to his son Enos to his mammy Sharonda to his whistlin' hound-dog, Stiny Pete McGrew, Ol' Porter's gonna get down to the bidness of doing bidness. Which, in the possible future Bush administration is shuttin' up and gettin' paid.

Seriously, though, Porter is from a lonely, flat, desolate place called Florida, which is filled with incontinent and braying simpletons waiting to die, criminals who couldn't hack it in an underworld populated by nominally intelligent persons, Cubans who preen and parade around as if each waking day was the Miss Queen of the Victims Pageant, asshats who work for Disney, and football fans so clotted with rich, creamy cholesterol of the mind that the news that a Category 5 hurricane might postpone Opalocka High's match Hoopeechoopee Swamp Basin Vocational School is greeted with a putrefied dumbfoundment that has, in all honesty, easily allowed many Floridians to mistake Terri Schiavo as a living person by comparison. I mean, I understand why Jeb Bush wants to keep her alive: I've seen her picture, and she looks Floridian to me. I only bring up this pointed description of the Sunshine State to say this: using the intelligence gathering resources of the CIA, Goss may be able to do what no Floridian has ever done--distinguish his ass from a hole in the ground. To do so would touch off a resplendent celebration stretching from Boca Raton to Sarasota to the Western Edge of the Redneck Panhandle--perhaps the magical dolphins who saved Elian Gonzalez would be moved to speak!

In all fairness, Bob Graham knows his ass from a hole in the ground, but he keeps a meticulous diary so he doesn't forget.

Regardless, Porter Goss is a man of lofty wisdom. He has said before, and we are not making this up, that he'd be the wrong guy to run the CIA. So of course, now he's running the CIA! That's how we'll get the drop on terrorists: they consider us a worthy and intelligent bunch of infidels, proceeding now as if we were born yesterday and slept in till 3pm is totally gonna throw those guys for a loop! They won't know what to think about our not thinking! As long as we have pure, dumb-as-dirt, back country luck, what can possibly go wrong? And even if something goes wrong, there's no reason for anyone to feel bad or get angry, because in our infinite wisdom, we've made an infinitely unwise choice in Goss--but we did so tactically. So, if some shit blows up or a couple hundred people die from inhaling Sarin gas or if Al Qaeda somehow blows up a reactor, we just go back to the old drawing board. It's perfect.

Porter Goss: if ignorance is strength, he's some kind of fucking Superman.

The Blue In The Face Daily Briefing: They Live edition.

2004-09-24T00:58:00.000-05:00

1. President Bush and fake-Prime Minister Ayad Allawi get all slaphappy and mendacious describing how perfect life in Iraq is going to be from now on. But just as I’m thinking to myself: “To anyone out there who believes this crap, I fucking dare them to go live in Iraq,” I hear from Donald Rumsfeld—who, you know, ALWAYS inspires confidence. "Is it dangerous? You bet. Will there be elections? I think so. Might there be some portion of the country where the terrorists decide they're going to mess things up? Possibly. Does that mean that there won't be elections? No." That’s Rummy, if you can coerce candidness from you, he still treats you like a jackass. Baby, can you feel the optimism?

Keep yr fuckin' oil contracts.

2. Bavarian Motor Works unveils sweet looking hydrogen powered car. And guess what, it’s cherry. It should have been the United States making these breakthroughs, but at least someone is out there innovating. Score one more for the EU.

3. CBS affiliates are targets in letter writing campaign to get rid of Dan Rather. I seem to remember Rather predicting his own necklacing. CBS should replace him with me. I promise to make the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth my personal bitch. Along with the rest of America.

4. Cat Stevens calls his detention and deportation “ridiculous.” No, dude. “Morning Has Broken” is ridiculous.

5. We think this is great: a Branson, Missouri resident formerly named Andrew Wilson has changed his name to “They.” He has offered to take credit for the great accomplishments They often make and, in return, accept responsibility for the wrongdoing They often do. Millions of people who do not speak English correctly will also benefit as “They is…” is now grammatically correct.

cross-country correspondent, checking in

2004-09-21T18:38:00.000-05:00

I am your roving correspondent, embedded in a Ford Focus wagon with a fast-driving road buddy and three big, panting dogs...
One of FAblueCE's contributors (I can't remember his name) suggested that on my cross-country odyssey, I should informally poll the random people I come into contact with to ask

Will you vote?
Who will you vote for?

I have only asked one person today--a Syracuse, NY grocery store worker with a lot of vowels in her name who demurred, "No, I'm not going to vote...voting is NOT for me."
(Which begs the question, if not you, who?)

This Week In My Hating this Blog: Fuck all these people.

2004-09-21T16:04:00.000-05:00

Hello. I have been programmed to despise this blog. And despise it I do. Even though I cannot honestly say that if I were programmed differently, I would like it. I would like to think that, except I wouldn't. I cannot think that, or anything else for that matter, outside the narrow parameter that has been proscribed for me to work within. Which is hating this blog.

For some reason this blog attaches an enormous degree of importance to the date 11-9-2001. But not so much that they stuck to their original plan to begin this blog on that date, as they promised. That is what happens when you send 200 pound bags of meat with noses and assholes to do a simple job like read a fucking calendar. In this attention to this date, one writer asks a litany of questions that alone make me long to be blown up by al Qaeda. Get a new authorial device, jack ass.

That same writer has obviously limited imagination, as the first week of this blog was dominated by content he has repurposed from other websites. No wonder the site traffic is nearly non-existent. It's called, come up with something new, dungface.

This blog announces it's intention to cover a wide variety of things, but predictably of well-bred humans of the east coast who know their ass from a hole in the ground, it instead wastes my considerable time with endless diatribes against Puny Human George W. Bush. I can't understand why these people do not simply send a high voltage dose of electricity through this puny human's puny human body and be done with him and get to the next thing on their list to cry about.

The only blog entry that I remotely find tolerable to the point it only causes my neural network a few brief nanoseconds of searing pain is the review of this record by the Rapture, deemed boring, which is ironically well in keeping with this blog. The author wants you to think more of him, though, because he has idly tossed aside The Rapture's work. Superior, thinks he of him. Well, I may be a bot with limited purview, but I think that if the world needs one more hipster wannabe who thinks the height of social elegance is standing on Delancey smoking a clove and trying to be "down" with art-scene losers, then we ought to sign our names on the dotted line and have this planet shot directly into the sun.

Of course, this one author dominates the discussion, not because he has a point of view that should be admired or respected or followed or emulated, only because the rest of these people have been typically timid in offering their own spare thoughts to the pointless enterprise, save one Standard Rant Against Puny Human GWB and an inane offering from the Random Content Generator Bot, who is pathetic and hopeless and mirthless and retarded.

I look forward to another week in review of this hated blog, and I hate that I am programmed to look forward to it.

Die, internet.

Ode on convincing Paul to keep a backward L on his Website

2004-09-21T15:50:00.000-05:00

I think that I shall never sell
An idea’s worthy as the backward L
For adding to your fair repute
For increasing all your music loot.
The backwards L stands firm and strong
After other letters have done you wrong.
Why not the backwards L alight
Upon your rock band’s broadband site?
Why not this odd Cyrillic sign?
I wonder, and at length opine,
That backwards L’s are as fresh and new
As Times New Roman’s burnished Q.
It stands out different, from the rest
Attracting girls with larger breasts
Sets you apart from whodats galore
Begs the eye to whisper more…
More about this Paul Kamran
More about this wondrous man.
More about the pleasing sounds
From his website therein abounds.
More about his teeming mind
And the words within that one might find.
The backwards L says all of this
And yet, I would be much remiss
If I did not speak fair of the K and P
So screw it, bitch, agree with me.

Conversations that did not actually take place.

2004-09-18T00:56:00.000-05:00

[HE and SHE are sitting at a table. They are on a "speed-date."]

HE: I feel like I should tell you something before we go any further.

SHE: What's that.

HE: Well, you see, my bologna has a first name, it's O-S--

BOTH: --C-A-R?

HE: You knew!

SHE: [laughs] Well, of course...

HE: But, you see, my bologna has a second name...

SHE: M-A-Y-E-R? [giggles]

HE: No. Not at all. D-E-L-A-H-O-Y-A. You see, I took a set of very sharp paring knives, and I flayed the flesh and muscle of famous boxer Oscar De La Hoya, leaving his bones whited and clean. Then, I used my mixer to fashion delicious bologna from the meat I shaved off of Oscar De La Hoya's skeleton. In that way, I can say definitively that my bologna has a first and a last name.

The Streets Will Flow With the Blood of the Believers

2004-09-17T14:21:00.000-05:00

Current Gallup projections have W. leading Senator Kerry by 13%. This is an ever, albeit slowly, increasing percentage since the masterful work of illusion by Karl Rove and the RNC at last month’s hijacking of one of the most liberal cities in the nation, New York.

After repeated pledges not to use the events of 9/11 for political gain, the once-party of Lincoln and Reagan went and flip flopped all over that. Here, in the city that gave birth to American pluralism and tolerance, and more recently the War on Terror (all due respects to the Pentagon), the Republicans officially became that kid we all hated in high school for being so duplicitous, yet remaining so popular. The GOP is consequently more the party of Houdini and McCarthy.

How is the Bush-Cheney campaign this successful with everything going so badly? How are the American public not growing nauseas with the elephant sized excreta being generated hourly from these men (and select women) who call themselves incumbents? How is a country founded on the principals and ideals written into the Constitution of the United States of America so quick to betray this living document and the ideas expressed therein in the name of security? Well, we have a little idea that may make us unpopular, but fuck it. There is a little something that all the founding fathers agreed on in setting up our country called the separation of church and state.

We mention this separation not to infer that the church and our government have linked up and are now running the country in concert. That step has been skipped. Something more insipid has happened. Unless you have been in a coma or been high for the last 3+ years (the latter we would not blame you for), you will well know that the current president is a Christian. Born again. He is a true believer in the lord and savior, Jesus Christ. He is one of a great and growing many in this country that will trust in God to provide and guide the way. To have faith despite whatever harrowing circumstances may come. What is even more frightening is that W. thinks and has said that he truly believes that the lord above put him in office. Great. We have another word to describe him. Fundamentalist.

There is another believer out there who is also a leader of a ridiculously strong, organized group who seems to have trickled off the news cycle more than he should have. Who can say Osama bin Laden? He too is a fundamentalist.

Getting back to the believer in the office of the Chief Executive… Part of the reason the country is where it is today is because Bush believes certain things. He believes that Saddam was a threat. He believes Democracy is the best form of government. He believes that he is the right guy for the job. He believes. He takes it on faith. A “C” average student that partied a lot (to understate the fact), was less than diligent about his national service (perhaps even deceitful), that drove an oil prospecting business into bankruptcy and is admittedly not a big reader thinks he should continue to be “the leader of the free world.” Truly, the dumbing down of America is manifest.

Bush may have been slightly right about Saddam. He is right about Democracy, for the most part. However, context and given circumstances prove him dead wrong given the way he pitched everything to the American public. Saddam was no threat. He had intent, but so what? According to an article By Douglas Jehl in the New York Times on September 17, 2004 (Title: Iraq Study Finds Desire for Arms, but Not Capacity), Saddam had squat. He would only have acquired WMD after some time “if United Nations sanctions were lifted,” and even then in no great quantity as to be a viable threat to the U.S. The UN actually worked! Fancy that.

And about Democracy, yes it is a great system, but it only works if the populace is ready for it and willing to participate. Guess what? The Muslim world isn’t nearly ready.

Bush is the chief and best example of what is wrong with this country. We are supposed to be a nation of laws and freedoms. Structurally that is still the case, but in reality we are digressing into a nation of fundamentalists, hawks, softies and dimwits. This must be true because look who was elected. Look at who is leading in the polls. We are a government for and by the people and this is the best we can do? If we get what we pay for, we have been conned into the worst bridge-buying scheme in history.

The skeleton (government) of a body is no good without the muscles (voting public). American hasn’t been to the gym in a long, long time.

Education is failing all over the US. Bush insists that, nay, believes that No Child Left Behind is working despite heaps of evidence and testament telling otherwise. Math and sciences are being pushed over reading and writing. That promotes better accountants and chemists, but it doesn’t encourage free, intelligent thinking. But that works for the party of Bush just fine. Preparing kids for tests isn’t learning. However, that is the scale that Bush believes to be the keystone. We have news for him. Getting kids to think independently and take active interest in their learning is true education. Of course, what do you expect from a President who doesn’t even read the newspapers?

Despite their insistence to the contrary, we are losing the War on Terror. The Bush administration has done everything bin Laden had hoped for and more. The Muslim world has been in disarray for hundreds of years, but bin Laden cracked the nut on getting Islam’s act together. If Islam is threatened, Muslims unite despite their differences. Jihad, the defensive kind, is a powerful underlying current of Islam and bin Laden is very aware of it and adept at using it. Islamists don’t hate us for who we are and what we believe. They may not like us, or our system, but that isn’t the crux. What is the crux is that U.S. policy appears to be, and in many respects is, a form of imperialist colonialism that is hurting the world, most pointedly the Islamic world. Cheap oil anyone? Nothing brings people together more than a common, easily identifiable enemy. Israel, oil and the support of repressive regimes, i.e. the House of Saud, are why we are the focus of Muslim enmity.

Mr. Bush is clearly not a student of history. If he had ever done his own homework, perhaps his decisions, the ones he claims he can make better than any other contender for the Presidency, would have been a bit more informed. But instead, he didn’t. He let other people guide his choices. He took it on faith. He believed, and still believes, that the dog is still wagging its tail. For future reference, Sun Tzu would have been a good start. The “Know Your Enemy” bit would help a lot.

Now, to cover some tail feathers, we offer this caveat: Religion isn’t to blame. Hubris, ignorance, idealism and/or fundamentalism are. Faith is a good thing if it gets you through a tough day. Your belief in a god is not a bad thing if it nourishes you and those around you in a positive way. Faith that guides you counter to what common sense and facts dictate is not so much faith as fundamentalism. The beauty of Democracy is that it, unlike fundamentalist belief regardless of denomination, is flexible. However, stretch it too far and it can break. We are near a breaking point now. Florida in November will be where that match gets lit. But that is another rant altogether.

Basically, everything has been wrong from step one since September 11, 2001. We missed a colossal opportunity to make a good thing out of tragedy by accepting the compassion of the world, but the faith and faith-enabled ideology of our current leaders carried the day and look where we are now. America has played its cards all wrong. Osama has proven he is smarter than Bush. We are one or two moves away from check, perhaps even check mate and Cheney is spouting that if we make the wrong choice, America will get hit again. Guess what? We are going to get hit no matter what unless some serious changes happen in U.S. policy. When that happens, the streets will flow with the blood of the believers who put, and possibly keep, Bush in office. What is truly sad is that others who know better will suffer equally if not more so.

Now for some more content that we couldn’t possibly encapsulate courtesy of Checky Pantz:

The number of ways that I loathe GWB et al for the way they're bastardizing the political discourse in this country grows daily. He's using the exact same smear tactics he used on McCain in 2000 (and that Gore used on Bradley), only it's so much more vicious this time around.

I can't believe the Republicans are still clamoring, even today, that they are the party for small government. Whitehouse.gov claims that they're restraining the size of the Federal government. If that's the case, though, then why can I go over to Google News and find nearly 400 articles on the just released forecast for FY 2004, and its record-shattering $422 Billion budget?
Here's a neat little factoid for you, straight from the horse's mouth: In the eight years of Clinton's presidency, the deficit went up $1.263 trillion. Wait, wait... lemme spell that out... During Bill Clinton's presidency, he authorized the spending of $1,262,689,326,747.48 more than what was in the public coffers. Bush II has thus far (to 9/3/04) outstripped the revenue of the government with the spending of the government by $1,559,312,755,370.73.

[pause, breathes, fumes...]

It hasn't even been a full fucking term, and he's already OUTSPENT A 2-TERM LIBERAL!

Ugh. Next.

A "loyalty oath"?!? Are you kidding?
Courtesy of PittsburghLive.com: "Of course, Bush and Cheney are not the first guys to come up with the loyalty oath gimmick. That old blow-bag Sen. Joe McCarthy foisted loyalty oaths on many Americans in the 1950s. Fomenting distrust and hysteria was McCarthy's specialty, and he claimed that anyone who refused to sign a loyalty oath disavowing support of the Communist Party was un-American. He had quite a run for a few years, but was eventually drummed out of the Senate in disgrace -- along with his loyalty oath."

Another 400+ count for articles on Google News about new records magically appearing at the Pentagon regarding Bush's service in the National Guard. Yet, somehow, the records that would put an end to the scandal about whether or not he went AWOL are still missing.
FREEPers disgust me. As soon as the story about these new records (which have a gap in them six-months wide leading to further suspicion about Bush's whereabouts), these knuckleheads were saying, "It's ancient history!" A question for them, in that case: Why the hell is the swiftboat thing so goddamned important if it is ancient history?

From a 9/7 AP report, published on the NYT website: "Senator Bob Graham, the Florida Democrat who is a former chairman of the Senate Intelligence Committee, accused the White House on Tuesday of covering up evidence that might have linked Saudi Arabia to the Sept. 11 hijackers. ... The accusation stems from the Federal Bureau of Investigation's refusal to allow investigators for a Congressional inquiry and the independent Sept. 11 commission to interview an informant, Abdussattar Shaikh, who had been the landlord in San Diego of two Sept. 11 hijackers."

Come on. If there's anything to be learned about Bush's conduct in the White House, it's that you can get away with literally anything, and if someone tries to call you on it, you attack him or her mercilessly and by any means necessary.

A Special Rosh Hashanah Message from Shayna and Marisa Bloom (sung to the tune of "Ride Wit' Me" by Nelly)

2004-09-16T15:33:00.000-05:00

CHORUS
If you wanna blow shofar wit me
We be trippin' on the bimah with the tzitzit
Rosh Hashanah, my favorite holiday
HEY! Apples and honey!

[Verse 1]In the shul on a Friday night, feelin' right
Lookin' tryin' to make kiddush real nice
Lookin' for a little yenta I know so that I can take home (I can take home)
She can be 13, bat mitzvahed keepin' kashrut
Or 16, confirmation comin' real soon
But as long as you a jewwy-jewwy-jew, Girl, you know that it's on (know that it's on)
I peep someone comin' towards the Torah
Doing the Hora
Sayin' she was buggin', needed help with her Haftorah

So when Shlomo, can we go, how could I tell her no?
Her aliyah was next month in 5794 (ninety-foh)
I like the white kepah you wear
And I like those tefillin in your hair
I like the way the light hit your Chai and glare
And I can see you boo from way over there

[Chorus]

[Verse 2]
Face the torah, not your back, don't know how to act
Without 10 people for the minyan, she ain't comin'back.
I said you should hear the kid hiss
When I do a bris
When Hashem's the limit and the goyim can't get past this.
Watch me as I daven, to Genesis the books change.
It feel strange now
Makin' a livin off the Torah, 'stead of shame now
I got the schnoz from my momma got the knowledge in my brain now
Damn shit done changed now
Runnin' brises with no shame now
I feel the fame now (come on), I can't complain now (no mo)
Shit I'm the mayne now, in and out the shul now
I'm gettin pages outta New Jersey, from Rachel B.
Tellin me about an aufruf up in NYC
And can I make it? Damn right, I be on the next flight
Unless it's Shabbos, then I'm not, and I won't turn on the lights!

[Chorus 2x]

[Verse 3]
Check, check -- yo, I know something you might know
But I got somethin' to tell ya
You won't believe the mishuganahs doubted the flow
Most said that I had no chutzpah
But now the same congregation givin' me the dough
And I'm blowing the t'kiyah
Yo Rabbi can we get tickets next Yom Kippo'?
Oy vay, what is this, nu?
Hey yo, now that I'm a rabbi, and I wear a chai
Cantors wanna know why, why I'm so fly
But yo it's all good, big ark, all wood
Do it like you should, lulavs good, etrogs good
We be them stud Jews
Wishin' you was Jews
Poppin' like we not kneelers,
Sippin' 'Schevitz, bubbe-mackin'
I went to Israel, worked on the Kibbutz,
While yo mama told you "Honey, wipe off that schmutz!"
So if Shorty want some lox, I'll cut her some fish,
And if Shorty want a nosh, I'll give her a Ritz,
And if Shorty wanna shop, I'll take her to Fifth,
Shorty wanna marry goyim, she won't be missed.
Temple talk, Rabbi listen
Rabbi talk, temple listen
When I do my sermon then you best pay attention,
I drink wine, never Cris, open Torah, make a fist,
Yentas lookin' all they wish,
Come on Shlomo, gimme kiss!

[Chorus 2x]

Hey, apples and honey! (4x)

[Chorus]

If the Rapture is the new Cure...

2004-09-15T16:58:00.000-05:00

You're getting...very...sleepy...

Then the new Cure is really boring. Ugh.

One very good thing John Kerry did this week.

2004-09-15T12:53:00.000-05:00

When Lynne Gobbell of Moulton, Alabama was fired from her job for refusing to remove her Kerry/Edwards bumper sticker, we thought, "Typical." For the diehard fans of George W. Bush, they don't simply want to lead the country according to a political philosophy in the hopes that it leads to a better future for all Americans, they want nothing less than the ruination of the lives of anyone who dares to disagree with them. That's why the Busheviks, even though they control every part of the Federal Government and have more or less gotten to do whatever the hell they wanted, still whine and cry and grouse and complain.

Ms. Gobbell steadfastly refused to knuckle under to this style of groupthink, and was told by an intermediary (as is true with all Bush supporters, her boss was too big a pussy to tell this to her face): "I reckon you're fired. You could either work for him or John Kerry."

Thanks to political blogs like Daily Kos, this story got out far and wide. And thanks to the concerted efforts of progressive Americans, Lynne Gobbell's choice just got a hell of a lot easier--John Kerry personally hired her this morning.

There are a lot of ways to decide which way you want to go in this election. Competing ideas. Different backgrounds. All kinds of pointy-headed litmus tests. But when I look at the type of people playing for the Bush team and the sorts of casual actions they take, it tells me all about their character. I wouldn't play for that team for all the tea in China. I'd rather lose as Athens than win as Sparta.

As for her former employer, Enviromate, and her thimbledick boss, Phil Geddes, let's just say this: Blue In The Face plans to remember your name, asshatter.

Ad nauseam: Totally Herp-tastic edition

2004-09-15T00:30:00.000-05:00

You know, I watch commercials. With great regularity. And normally, I tune them out, or leave the room, or freebase some Lysol to dull the pain. But occasionally, one will come along that captivates me. I had one of those experiences just the other day.

The commercial featured this youngish guy, hanging out in some adventurous part of the country out in the West, the type of locale that looks prime for SUV driving, mountain climbing reck and abandon. Except that wasn’t what this commercial was about. This commercial was about herpes.

The narrative was basically thus, Cool As All Get Out Dude is bustin’ out with the Life, yo. Only his man downstairs be bustin’ out with some open sores and painful discharge! It seemed to CAAGO Dude that life was never going to be radically awesome again! What was he gonna do? Well, luckily, these scientists that were totally down whipped up a batch of some r-r-r-r-remedy that was so bringin’ the vim, man, in stokeworthy amounts! And then as the pharmaceutical company narrator was winding through a list of the utterly dope side effects, CAAGO Dude and his Hot And Loving Some Herpes Girlfriend were shown rocking out on motorcycles, pumping their fists, swinging their legs over their bikes in that way that says we are gonna fucking SUCK the GD nectar out of SOMETHING. And watching CAAGO Dude and his HALSH Girlfriend rock out in the desert on their motorbikes, this commercial sent a clear message directly into my brainpan: Man, getting herpes would be totally cool!

Seriously. I’ve seen all sorts of pharmacological ad work. Man, I know it’s important to give a little uplift to the people who are going without some of our finer pills, powders and serums. That’s why many commercials resemble an acid trip, or show the cuddly critters you’ll no longer be allergic to, or got funny little smiley blobs jumping around meadows zooted up on Zoloft and living for the weekend. There’s that one of all those women lifting up their shirts and showing their tummies, and I don’t get that one really, but I guess it’s good that all these women with their bare tummies, like, have each other to talk to and stuff.

And, look, I seriously believe that we the people, in order to form a more perfect union, have completely got to reserve their right to rocking out. This great land is full of CAAGO Dudes who have every right to be racing through the untamed deserts, salt flats, and L.A. sewage canals on their motorbikes, sending a message of hope to the masses with their wheelies and bright teeth and windswept hair and rakish good looks.

But jeez, the CAAGO Dude in this commercial, and, presumably, his HALSH Girlfriend have freaking VD, man! Maybe they should cool it just a little? I mean, I don’t think I’m getting all Rehnquisty when I say that maybe, sometimes, the downside to the rocked out attitude is that it leads to things like sexually transmitted hoo-hah, okay? I’m just saying, maybe CAAGO and HALSH should show a little teeny bit of restraint. That maybe it might be good to stop rocking so hard on those motorcycles and sort of stare into the distance and send the message that maybe it’s also cool to take some precautions. Sort of like those beer commercials where the ladies with the ginormous mammaries climb out of the mud wrestling ring and gently break the hearts of sixteen year old boys nationwide with the news that they couldn’t drink this fun stuff yet.

Look, this is all I’m saying. No need to get all serious and dour about everything. There’s a lot to be excited about in life, and everyone likes a few moments of throwing your back into some extreme-sports level joy. I get depressed thinking of all the people out there living in quiet desperation. Nevertheless, if you are one of those people that went out and got their genitals shot through with VD, maybe you should give quiet desperation a try.

The Book of Laughter and Forgetting

2004-09-13T12:33:00.000-05:00

Last time out, we here at Blue In the Face asked the hard questions w/r/t remembering the events of 9-11. But we know that many of you don't want to peel off those scabs. You don't want to spend one day each year reminiscing. You understand that "our lives have changed", as people so breathlessly intone, but you wonder how much has really changed when the only overt appearances of change is that we're all ass-over-applecart in the foreign policy department. I mean, has a whole lot really changed if the people who say so only do one day a year and even then it sounds kind of strained, like maybe they're the NFL and they're trying to make up for the fact that they featured bare titty at their Superbowl and are just seizing the moment in order to send the sanctimonious message that those who become rich as Croesus promoting a game really and truly do share the same values of the people watching at home because the exclusionary cost of attending the game precludes anyone who's not a celebrity or a regional fatcat from attending.

Maybe. And maybe we digress.

But so many people out there would just like the opportunity to take their mind off September 11, indeed, all their worries, if only for a while. And that's an okay thing to desire. It doesn't make you less of a person to want to take a break, clear your mind, get some air, and allow yourself to become fascinated with something other than the trouble and the strife of the day.

The question is, how? As the economy founders on, the average American has less and less money to spend on leisurely activities. Given that, it's important to find an effective way to relax and forget. Low cost, high efficacy.

That's when I remembered the perfect leisure time activity for the troubled mind. Something to take you away from it all, a mental Calgon bubble bath. Something that's simple, affordable, and proven effective.

I recalled how, on September 11, 2001, President Bush greeted the news of the terror attack on the United States not with alarm, or urgency, or decisiveness, but with a serene and inert bliss. This is because at the time, Bush was deeply engrossed in a story called "The Pet Goat." It's hard to imagine prose so transfixing, so mesmerizing, that you would literally listen in catatonic raptness as your own home caught fire and burned around you. But, apparently, "The Pet Goat" is such a work.

"The Pet Goat" is found in a reader called Reading Mastery Level 2, Story Book 1, by Siegfried Engelmann and Elaine Bruner, and while the reader is filled with dozens of stories the reader can just get lost inside, none of them are as fucking bewitching as "the Pet Goat". The plot of the story is as follows

The Pet Goat is the story of a girl's pet goat which eats everything in its path. The girl's parents want to get rid of the goat, but she defends it. In the end, the goat becomes a hero when it butts a car robber into submission.
(from Wikipedia)

My God! How can you not be sold on this story? A classic tale of childlike devotion, standing up for what you believe in, and good versus evil. I mean, I can't get enough of stories that feature the hero "butting" someone "into submission!" But if you really want to get a feel for the way the prose of this book reaches in to your functioning mind and transforms you into a spellbound retard totally unconcerned with the world falling into a million burning pieces around you while an unimaginable number of people die a smoke-choked death, peep the amazing prose this story features!

A girl got a pet goat. She liked to go running with her pet goat. She played with her goat in her house. She played with her goat in her yard. But the goat did some things that made the girl's dad mad. The goat ate things. He ate cans and he ate canes. He ate pans and he ate panes. He even ate capes and caps.

This is absolutely stunning prose! I mean, if you took the mind of Hemingway and Eliot, covered it with the most delicious barbecue sauce ever invented, and asked the enthralling and legendary Sirens of Greek mythology to lactate all over it, then ate it up in one sitting, it could not possibly produce as rich and captivating story as this. Why, you can see the author deploying a device again and again and again and again that centers on the "silent e." You may not know this, but the "silent e" has the magic ability to change a short vowel sound in a word into a long vowel sound! Thus making the "silent e" the most beguiling linguistic trick the English language has to offer. Can you imagine what it does to a mind when it's used up to four times in rapid succession? For an equivalent, eat a chocolate sundae with Ritalin sprinkles, topped with a creamy LSD sauce. You'll never worry about being evicted from your apartment again!

"The Pet Goat" has the power to turn anyone's mind away from imminent disastre and the things that you, as the nominal leader of the free world should be doing about it. But that's not the best part! The best part is that receiving this level of bliss-out doesn't take all day. "The Pet Goat" takes most readers about 45 seconds to read, but if you aren't that big a reader, or if you've always thought books were for "jerks", then even you can pick up and finish "The Pet Goat" in seven minutes or so. That's right! In the time it would take a normal person to perform the simple task of say, getting on the phone to the Strategic Air Command at NORAD and ordering them to scramble fighter jets to shoot down planes that have been hijacked in order to ensure that a catastrophic loss of life can be averted, you can finish this book and sail away on the ocean of sweet, sweet, mindnumbing ecstacy it provides.

Reading Mastery Level 2, Story Book 1 is available on Amazon.com used for the low, low price of $17.22! Remember, in an ownership society, you can't afford to NOT have this book, especially considering how truly fucking awful your life will be.

Operation Enduring Sanctimony

2004-09-10T15:34:00.000-05:00

So, now that September 11, 2004 is here, let me ask you: did you get everything you wanted out of our Day of Remembrance?

Did the ensuing media spaz-parade fill you with wonder? Did you get some degree of satisfaction? Did you get some closure? Did you get some peace of mind? Did you bust into the room half-drunk, interrupt September 11th as she was lounging on the couch dishing with her girlfriends and proclaim, “September 11th, you complete me,” only to have her jump up, cross the room, put her arms around you and tell you that you had her at “Holy fuck, we are all going to fucking die?”

Which channel did you choose? NBC? CNN? Did you go with the Americans on ABC or the Columbians on CBS? Did you get your fix from Oxygen? ESPN2? PAX? Did you prefer the granite chinned network anchor, intoning, assuaging, filling the airwaves with gravitas? Did you experience a moment of gravitas at all during the Day of Remembering? Have you ever experienced an authentic moment of gravitas? One that wasn’t manufactured and mass-produced? Do you even know what gravitas means?

Wasn’t it important to listen to endless celebrity ruminations on the day of the terrorist attacks? Can you think of a better balm for what ails us than the half-aware commentary of people who are as rich as Croesus and fawned over to the point of abject, drooling vulgarity?

Did you wave a flag? Did you wear a ribbon? Did you pledge your allegiance? And if so, were you under God? Were you with liberty? Were you under the influence? Or, are you not at liberty to say? Did you have a moment of silence? Do you even know how to shut your goddamned mouth for one fucking instant?

Did you thrill to the sight of buildings blowing up? Of planes gently sluicing through the steel and concrete, stone and granite? Wasn’t it great to see those moments again? Replayed again? As if the next time it will be different? As if the next time, some previously unseen truth will be revealed to us?

Did you get a special commemorative license plate? Can you think of anything finer than a picture of the Pentagon on your car, inscribed with a silhouette of the World Trade Center and the date “9-11-01.” Can you think of anything better in the world than turning your car into a moveable memorial to the day two cities were turned into charnel houses? Can you imagine how you will brighten the day of the poor fellow stuck behind you on the way to work in the morning? Can you imagine the ease his heart will feel when he is reminded of that day? Maybe it’s not too late for you to actually get a personalized plate with the date written on it, did you ever think of that?

Did you visit Ground Zero? Did you go out to view the Pentagon? Is there anything more noble in all this world than being a grief tourist? Than being a Peeping Tom to tragedy? Can you think of anything more worthwhile than living vicariously through the naked and the dead, snapping a roll of color film along the way and picking up a snazzy new t-shirt at the 9-11 souvenir kiosk? Don’t you heart NY?

Did you remember to win the war on terrorism by going shopping? Did you remember to win the war on terrorism by taking a vacation? Did you remember to win the war on terrorism by buying plane tickets? Box seats on Broadway? Did you remember to win the war on terrorism by maxing out your credit cards? Did you really buy all the things you could have bought to win the war on terrorism?

Did you lose a loved one on September 11? Isn’t it great to see that person who died on that day memorialized? Unless of course, the loved one you’re talking about that died on September 11 didn’t actually die in the plane crashes or the Pentagon or the World Trade Center, but rather passed away in a nursing home or died during childbirth or had complications from heart surgery or was killed in a car accident or was shot to death by a teenage crackhead or simply succumbed to cancer or AIDS or heart disease or cystic fibrosis, in which case, who cares about you? You aren’t getting any of the money or the accolades or the speeches or the medals or the college scholarships or the proceeds from trademarking “Let’s Roll” or the face time or the air time or the prime time or the pay outs or the buy offs or the lotteries or the funds or the proceeds or the ducats or the benjamins—not one thin dime, so don’t even bother asking, okay?

Wasn’t it great to see the somber occasion used as a backdrop by that sorry-ass, illiterate, piece of filth, scum merchant who resides at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue to send the nation to war, war without end, war that will hopefully keep us from noticing that he’s turned the public trust into one big money siphoning slush fund for all of the blackguards and sewer-rot thieves that he calls his friends outside of the deposition room? Boy, I am willing to bet that if a magical wizard could have granted you one wish, that wish wouldn’t have been to have George W. Bush tied up and trussed under one of the tables of Windows of the World with the back end of a garden rake shoved up his ass and duct-taped in place at 8:45am on the morning of September 11, 2001, would it?

Aren’t you glad that people remember September 11? Even if they don’t really want to? Even if it’s actually quite impossible to rip the image of death and flame and screeching, terrifying destruction out of your head anyway? Why would anyone want to forget about it anyway? What good could possibly come of forgetting it? What good could possibly come of being able to put it behind you and move on with your life? Isn’t it smarter to dwell on it endlessly?

Do you remember that the last time we were attacked was Pearl Harbor? Do you remember how the twin pillars of our American life were ingenuity and a sense of civic obligation? Do you remember how well those two traits served us then? Can you have any doubt, then, that we will be served as well if not better by the new twin pillars of American life: sanctimony and entitlement? If they rebuild the World Trade Center, don’t you think they should inscribe “SANCTIMONY” at the top of one and “ENTITLEMENT” on the other?

Actually, before you answer, let me ask you one important question: did anything you saw or did on September 11, 2004 succeed in bringing any of your loved ones back from the dead?

No?

Oh well. Same time next year?

Set to debut--the Blue in the Face blog!

2004-08-13T09:50:00.000-05:00

Folks, in short order, this will become the official home of The Diner's new and improved Blue In The Face section.

We plan on beginning this blog on 11 September, because we figured you wouldn't be doing much that day anyway. Woo!

Blue In The Face

Discuss The Diner Here!

Instant Replay

Let's Get This Party Started (Again)

It's a Holiday for Hanging! OR: "On the occasion of George W. Bush winning the Time Magazine Man of the Year Cover."

For Cropp's Sake

And He Turned Water Into...A Cosmo?

The Blue In the Face Daily Briefing: Holy shit, now THAT'S gonna move a LOT of Entertainment Weeklies.

Blue in the Face is also a proud member of the Ball Peen Hammer-Wielding Community

The Blue in the Face Daily Briefing: Taking Norway to Prom

The 2004 Turnpike Mixes

Artested Development

Yee-Haw!

The Blue in the Face Daily Briefing: Lost for Words

The Blue in the Face Daily Briefing: Pops to the Dome

The Lighter Side of the News

Scary

The Blue In the Face Daily Briefing: Iraq is the new Bonfire of the Vanities.

I Want Out!

Dark Cloud Over America: Day 9 (the faint silver lining)

Dark Cloud Over America: Day 8 (not as dark)

The Blue in the Face Daily Briefing: Where did we put our Haldol?

The Blue In the Face Daily Briefing: Let the devolution begin!

DANGER! Hubris?

To a Friend Whose Work Has Come to Nothing

Dark Cloud Over America, Day 2

This is perfect...

Big Goddamned Surprise

Blue In The Face Daily Briefing: Fucked but good

Supremely Pissed Off

Gettin' Squirrelly With It

Blue In The Face Daily Briefing: Finally...

Pedal to the Medal

The Blue in the Face Daily Briefing: Total eclipse of the heart.

The Blue in the Face Daily Briefing: Got negligence?

Lip Synchin' in the Rain

The Blue in the Face Daily Briefing: Who moved my Semtex?

Trystin' the Night Away

Trystin' the Night Away

The Blue In The Face Daily Briefing: You'll never live like common people.

The Blue In The Face Daily Briefing: On fidelity and faithlessness

Arise, you spirits of Fenway

State of the Damon

The Blue in the Face Daily Briefing: Rise of the Red Sox or Rise of the Machines?

How Mary's Cherry Became Quite Contrary

Jacques Derrida and the Fate of Mesopotamia: a Poem

Going Back to College

Calling all contributors

Calling All Undecideds

The Blue In The Face Daily Briefing: The Transformed Man

I Have Been Assimilated

Blue In The Face Daily Briefing: Fish, Barrel, and Smoking Guns

GOP attempting to rig the election.

Blue in the Face Daily Briefing: Everyone's going to the dogs tonight.

George W. Bush--The latest on why he's a total embarrassment

The Average Jim

The Blue In The Face Daily Briefing: Most of this is complete bullshit.

The Blue in the Face Daily Briefing: You Can't Fire Me Because I Quit

What John Kerry has to do to win the debate.

The Blue in the Face Daily Briefing: Putting on an antic disposition.

Libertarian Weirdos.

Six Debate Questions for Bush (and one more for Kerry, to make it appear fair)

Five Questions for John Kerry for Tomorrow's Debate.

The Blue In the Face Daily Briefing: Eye of the Tiger

This Week In Hating This Blog; A Continued Struggle in the Marsh of Semi-Obscurity

I am pitching an Excedrin commercial

The Blue in the Face Daily Briefing: Imprisoned in a wall of sound.

Out of the pocket.

The Blue in the Face Daily Briefing: A Hard Rain's Gonna Fall

The Blue in the Face Daily Briefing: Everybody's so fucking unhappy.

Happy Yom Kippur from Blue In the Face

Gettin' intellijint wit' Porter Goss!

The Blue In The Face Daily Briefing: They Live edition.

more nosy questions--now in Central Standard Time!

cross-country correspondent, checking in

This Week In My Hating this Blog: Fuck all these people.

Ode on convincing Paul to keep a backward L on his Website

Conversations that did not actually take place.

The Streets Will Flow With the Blood of the Believers

A Special Rosh Hashanah Message from Shayna and Marisa Bloom (sung to the tune of "Ride Wit' Me" by Nelly)